Thoughts on Forgiveness

Sembari menunggu berbuka puasa, saya mengambil laptop dan mulai mengetik di meja makan. Sebentar lagi malam takbiran, besok saatnya merayakan hari kemenangan bersama keluarga dan teman-teman tercinta.

Pertanyaannya, sudahkah kita memaafkan yang harus kita maafkan?


Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya berbincang dengan Ayah saya mengenai alasan-alasan mengapa orang sering kali menyakiti hati kita terlepas atas apa yang kita perbuat terhadap mereka.  Ketika menanyakan hal itu, mungkin juga saya lupa bahwa sebagai manusia, saya tidak mungkin lepas dari menyakiti hati orang lain. "Mereka sama sekali ga bermaksud menyakiti kamu, Nak.. Kadang, mereka cuma bingung". Mereka disini ga specially referring ke pihak mana-mana.

Beberapa hari yang lalu juga, pas banget momennya, memang saya sempet sedih banget karena ada teman yang saya luar biasa sayang tiba-tiba melakukan sesuatu yang ga saya sangka. Ga macem-macem banget sih, tapi bener-bener kena di hati saya sampai timbul pikiran, "kok bisa sih dia kayak gitu?". Mungkin juga sih itu cobaan puasa. Saya cuma tarik nafas dalam-dalam dan coba memahami keadaan dia, mungkin dia juga ga bermaksud menyakiti saya. Butuh waktu buat saya agar tidak reaktif dan menyalahi dia atas apa yang dia lakukan. Saya coba berkaca sejenak, saya pernah menyakiti hati orang yang seharusnya tidak saya sakiti tapi dia mau memaafkan saya dengan segala kekurangan saya. Hubungan kami memang tidak pernah kembali seperti sebelum saya menyakiti dia, tapi saya tahu dia berhasil move on dengan baik tanpa perlu melakukan sesuatu yang menyakiti balik hati saya, and I respect him for that.

Mungkin itu yang namanya memaafkan.

Dan memaafkan ini tidak bisa lepas dari yang namanya tenggang rasa, juga keikhlasan. Memaafkan bisa jadi hadiah yang paling baik yang bisa kita berikan kepada orang lain, tapi intinya, memaafkan adalah hadiah paling baik yang dapat kita berikan untuk diri kita sendiri because it saves us from a lot of anger and hatred we should never carry in our hearts.

Forgive because you should free yourself from those bad things, forgive because you can.
Insya Allah, sampai jumpa di tahun depan yang lebih baik, bulan maha indah, bulan maha suci, Ramadan. Selamat merayakan kemenangan beriringan maaf.

FPL

Sentimental

I met you when I had not listened to EDM. When all I listened to was brit rock, when all things I wore was pitch black, when all I drank to keep my sanity was coffee. You were the one who taught me how to smoke. Past is a very comfortable place though just like a comfort zone, nothing ever grows there.

So, when things around here get tiring, I'd love to see you smiling and.. maybe we can talk?

Dealing with Unhappiness & Some Love for Marcus Aurelius

I've been seeking for answers, why I did not feel happy and contented with everything. Why every single time I distracted that hollow feeling I would always end up more and more hollow? I lost my passion in life. I spent more and more time sleeping without feeling more energised afterwards. I skipped my hobbies, to do sports and to write. I kept myself in cycle that is safe and boring. Lacking of motivation, you name it. All I knew, I was not happy with my life, I did not feel so alive like I had ever been. They named it quarter life crisis. That sense of being stuck in jobs you don't like, friendship you don't want to have, to conclude, the life that you hate. That sense of not living your dreams because of some responsibilities around you. That thought that we're all mortals, that some day you will die boring without really living your life to the fullest simply because life is supposed to be like that.
Within my mind, it was all messed up and so dark. I was so worried about today and too afraid for tomorrow, that I would be just as unhappy as I was that day.. or I would never be happy again. The thing I dissed the most was, I always associated myself with my hopeful, possible, go-getter self. Where did she go? Why did she leave me with these dark clouds?

I was being so weary and dull for months and the only person I opened up to was my boyfriend and my dad. I always kept asking them the same question, why couldn't I be happy?
Then I surrendered. I realised I could not be like that forever and I was just so sick to feeling sick all the time.

I bumped into an article reciting Marcus Aurelius,

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."

I try to sort things out.
I start with stopping doing things does not incline with my soul calling and I do things that feels right for me, I try to be more honest with myself; praying, spending time with people whom I love the most and who also can comfort me, challenging the negative thoughts with the good ones, not engaging in gossips and backbites, picking my circles right, and the most important thing is letting go. Letting go of things that burden and hurt me, letting go of fear, letting go of loved ones and friends who are no longer aligned with me. It takes courage but it has to be done. Just like finally getting back to my beloved Mac to write again.

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."

And one more favorite excerpt from Marcus Aurelius;

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."

Well, there are still days when I just want to curl up in my bed without really engaging with anyone,  feeling so tired of commuting and so on, but things are getting better, I feel a lot better.
Yes, it is arising from having a hopeful thought,
so please, never lose yours.


FPL