Sunday Thoughts

I spent half of last week being home, bed-rested. Working life was quite frantic and the weather was not good. I spent a lot of time sleeping and recovering. It's true, medicine won't do much if it is your soul that gets hurt. Would not call it depression because it took a careful and thoroughly examination to call it one, but I knew well that something was off, not balance. I reexamined my feelings. How lately a lot of things happened and got me scratched here and there but I chose not to think about. After all, those hurts and pain came back after me, showed up to the surface. I did not want to ask for help but my soul screamed for one.

Sometimes, both the body and soul ask you to stop and drop a lot of things. Sometimes, we are so reckless to listen to them and surrender. Keep moving is good, but resting is also necessary. You don't always have to run for something, do you?

I try to reframe a lot of things inside my mind. I forgive the situation. I don't want to carry the pain. I try to find much bigger purposes. I try to enjoy simple things.

I try again.

thank you for always listening to this restless soul
and offering simple romance to my complexity, dear.


If You Wonder How I Live without Instagram

After weeks..or months.. of occupied weekend, I manage to find time to do blog-walking and read light fiction, yass I'm currently reading Rich People Problems. For these past 9 months, life is indeed overwhelming, infuriating, yet majestic. It's all about long trips, endless projects, meetups, and so on. The rest of it left me so drained that I just tucked myself under blanket, sleeping the good weekends off.  Apart from the endless events, life also gives me so much things to learn that I would not have it any other way. I'm grateful for bae who is constantly jacking up my vibes and lighting up the day. I'm grateful for finally finding courage to leave a lot of painful things behind, really behind. I'm grateful to finally decide what I want to do with my life and realize that I don't have to do what I don't want to do.

hilarious and entertaining

"I am much better than how I was", just like Taylor Swift said.

Another thing, I am currently on instagram sabbatical. My friends and family persistenly ask how I live my life without instagram.. Well, I am living my life with less distraction. Gone all the urge to scroll every five minutes. I have time to literally listen to people. I have time to take care for my body and eliminate what is not good. It might not work exactly that way to all people, some of my friends find quitting instagram doesn't do anything to their lives, but I suggest you to try it if you find that you hardly have time for anything you wanna do with your life. One thing I miss from instagram is only picking good filters and posting lovely pictures. ;)

But then I guess, I can just share those pictures here along with my thoughts. Glimpse of my Friday done right with coworkers. Spending lunch at Omah Sendok, Senopati celebrating one's birthday and chilling with my 13-year-of-friendship best friend at Social House, Grand Indonesia. I savored every moment, I didn't have the need to post any good pictures anytime soon on instagram, for sure.
lunch with a soothing view

dear beloved coworkers

chill with another soothing view
Basically, it's just me taking care of my soul, in order to take care of others, first we have to take care of myself, don't you agree?

I take my mojo back. Wishing 2K17 and of course the upcoming 2K18 both roll as wonderful as it's always been for all of us. Always spread love and positive vibes.

Love always,


Sweating Small Stuffs

Today I witness my best friend's courage to do what a man has got to do. I witness how every single thing I complain everyday becomes not significant, or actually never a big deal. I see how a man treasures what he has to go through. I see patience, I see courage, I see everything I think God wants me to see. Sweating small stuffs makes me feel shameful. Of course everyone has got their own journey, but leaving gratitude behind is never graceful. I think a lot about life, but today I get into new perspectives. Love more, forgive quickly, and just move on from anything that hurts. You don't know what tomorrow might bring, you need to relax, kiss more, and enjoy whatever life has to offer.

Don't sweat small stuffs. Treasure life, it is a gift.



Being You

It is funny to realise that as women, we often compare ourselves to the other woman, especially the one that is preferred by the society we share. We debilitate our capability and quality for the sake of other people's approvals. We try to change and we try to fit in. We believe in what they say about a good woman, we accept their comments more than we believe in what we want to believe.

Little did we know, other part in this world, or maybe another community, needs the actual qualities we ever try to change. Little did we know, those who are brave, those who are smart and opinionated, those are thinking about others more than they think about themselves, sometimes help the world. And that is how we'd better be, rather than dimming our lights because they say women should be A-to-Z.

I've made mistakes, I try to shift my gear, change my lights, follow what people say about how a woman should be. I settle for less, because people have hard time accepting my true traits. Later, I understand, maybe it is not me who is wrong. Maybe I should look for bigger cause that can be benefited with what I have. Some people might find me intimidating. Some people say women should not be too smart. But finally, I figure out, there are places that need our voices, jobs that need us to get done, and for whatever you want to be, or whatever things you want to do, dear women, please just be.


Talking about a Good Date

It was the day when every bars and clubs had a tribute to Chester Bennington. As usual, I worked overtime though it was Friday. Blame it on a visit to client in outskirts, some road work in Jagorawi, and a brilliant idea to grant our corporate driver to leave me and my team in that far-flung villa where Uber hardly could reach us. After being stranded for almost 2 hours and waiting for Uber, I was not in a hearty state to have a casual hang out with anyone else, let alone someone I had never met before. But that day, I didn't know why I was a little bit optimistic.

The Uber dropped me off at the place where we set up to meet. You said earlier that you were ready so I texted you that I was there.

There we were, after streak of endless chats and calls, harshly shaking hands. Sheepishly smiling to each other. And I never thought that being optimistic could lead you to day you would never able to experience if you were being the opposite.


Deep Seated Feeling

I never need you to completely accept me, or even further, love me. I had hard time loving myself, though it's been long gone. I can cope with myself, with my thoughts, though it is bleak sometimes, though it is not comfortable and judging and vulnerable too, but I choose to sit with it, because it is the only thing I know I will have forever, not you, not anyone else.

It took me a while to be open up, to chew why some people, why you, also could not take it. It took me a while to be able to write about how bitter I was  to love and live that way. I am sorry. When I love, I love from  A to Z, I go through storm, I cut rocks and walk through fire, I dive, I fight. But you thought differently. And at that very critical point I realized, I'd already lost two people. I lost you, but the hardest one was I lost myself, I stopped fighting for what I believed. I knew very well that love did not demand, it was sincere and all flowing, so I finally built the courage to let you do what you wanna do. I opened the door widely. You could not compromise. For a moment it hit me like a betrayal, not because you left, but because you were that powerful over my feelings and plans and I had no chance to do the same nor I had any rights to stop and change you. You did not do anything wrong, I did, I broke my heart. I knew you loved me well, you treated me well, but there was something so dark and deep seated I buried all along. It was actually  the fact we were busy to deny. I was guilty as charged because since the very first time I exactly knew we looked for different things. I was hell afraid of losing you but later on I realized I was more afraid to lose my ability to love and live sincerely. I was not faithful to my dreams. I was not honest with myself.

Perhaps, it was all my fault. You were too strong, had a very huge heart.
So huge it made me feel small and maybe there was nothing to do with you at all.

There I go, I let you walk out of my door. Little did I realize it gave me a sense of relief. It's always up to you, but my life, my life is always up to me, my very own responsibility. All you could do was saying that you were sorry. I knew that you were sorry and I never hate you for getting me into that.

I don't change the way I love people, I just realize sometimes some people cannot accept this kind of blazing fire and faith and determination. Sometimes I have to jump alone. Sometimes I have to run through hell alone. Sometimes I am just  too much for anyone, but really, that is fine with me.

I really am okay, I am a whole and have never felt this way for a long time.



I know exactly I don't want to have it any other way. To feel the night alive and burning light.
To sink in its charm
and not looking away.
To feel familiar, to find safe haven within those eyes,
and to laugh, laugh a bit loud.

All I want to do is sitting, gazing softly;
immersing, following the flows, feeling the rides.
And for me, that is pretty close to enough.

Sunday Thoughts

I spent half of last week being home, bed-rested. Working life was quite frantic and the weather was not good. I spent a lot of time sleepin...