Deep Seated Feeling

8:06:00 AM

I never need you to completely accept me, or even further, love me. I had hard time loving myself, though it's been long gone. I can cope with myself, with my thoughts, though it is bleak sometimes, though it is not comfortable and judging and vulnerable too, but I choose to sit with it, because it is the only thing I know I will have forever, not you, not anyone else.

It took me a while to be open up, to chew why some people, why you, also could not take it. It took me a while to be able to write about how bitter I was  to love and live that way. I am sorry. When I love, I love from  A to Z, I go through storm, I cut rocks and walk through fire, I dive, I fight. But you thought differently. And at that very critical point I realized, I'd already lost two people. I lost you, but the hardest one was I lost myself, I stopped fighting for what I believed. I knew very well that love did not demand, it was sincere and all flowing, so I finally built the courage to let you do what you wanna do. I opened the door widely. You could not compromise. For a moment it hit me like a betrayal, not because you left, but because you were that powerful over my feelings and plans and I had no chance to do the same nor I had any rights to stop and change you. You did not do anything wrong, I did, I broke my heart. I knew you loved me well, you treated me well, but there was something so dark and deep seated I buried all along. It was actually  the fact we were busy to deny. I was guilty as charged because since the very first time I exactly knew we looked for different things. I was hell afraid of losing you but later on I realized I was more afraid to lose my ability to love and live sincerely. I was not faithful to my dreams. I was not honest with myself.

Perhaps, it was all my fault. You were too strong, had a very huge heart.
So huge it made me feel small and maybe there was nothing to do with you at all.

There I go, I let you walk out of my door. Little did I realize it gave me a sense of relief. It's always up to you, but my life, my life is always up to me, my very own responsibility. All you could do was saying that you were sorry. I knew that you were sorry and I never hate you for getting me into that.

I don't change the way I love people, I just realize sometimes some people cannot accept this kind of blazing fire and faith and determination. Sometimes I have to jump alone. Sometimes I have to run through hell alone. Sometimes I am just  too much for anyone, but really, that is fine with me.

I really am okay, I am a whole and have never felt this way for a long time.


10:39:00 PM

I know exactly I don't want to have it any other way. To feel the night alive and burning light.
To sink in its charm
and not looking away.
To feel familiar, to find safe haven within those eyes,
and to laugh, laugh a bit loud.

All I want to do is sitting, gazing softly;
immersing, following the flows, feeling the rides.
And for me, that is pretty close to enough.

Personal Thoughts

Solitude is Bliss

1:44:00 PM

Long holiday with no travel plans. I find comfort in silently thinking about what I want in between. Days of festivity, Eid Al Fitr. I have hard times in forgiving some people but I think that's the real quest, to forgive and just move on with whatever life offers. Stop dwelling and be more pure with our own intentions. I tried to, really, and that made me feel better. Of course, we happen to dislike some people, that is natural. What is not natural is holding onto the grudges and anger within. Since life is not always about you, do you ever think that what those people you hate ever did got nothing to do with you? Sometimes, it's plain about themselves and you don't need to take any credits of that.

Besides being forgiving, another difficult thing to do is letting go of a strong feeling. I've hold onto it for several months, and now, that I have time and space with myself to try to release it, it is stubbornly stuck with me. I know I've made it my favorite thing, my inner desire, my deepest anchor to get back to the vibes, realizing now I'm just holding on to something which is not quite right. It will take me months to finally get over it, but hopefully it will be easier and quicker.

Basically, it's PMS season and I'm kinda easily irritated that I cut down communication with people who might get my alarm firing. The only comfort I can find right now is being with myself. That's more than enough and I'm grateful.

Dating & Relationship

Finding The One

8:28:00 PM

I always wonder what main sign that we can easily use to define someone as the one. Should there be any sparks? Should you giggle all the time around him? Should he become someone who save you from jerks at nightclub? Or can it be as easy as your lunch mate? Or gym buddy? Or someone from your neighbourhood?

What sign can you easily point out? Or is it exactly like what books and films say, that when you know, you just know?

I've spent times asking people who already got married about how they finally find the one. Some say they do not really feel like he/she is the one. Some say they just feel like getting married. Some say they are so in love. Turns out, for every individual, finding the one is very personal and you can not just follow what's out there.

It is really about you and that person.

One of my best friends who is going to get married soon, one day, on a decent Friday afternoon lunch, gave me one perspective that suddenly changed my mind. I asked her why at the first place she chose the guy she was going to get married with. The answer was very simple, this guy might not be perfect, but he really could accept her in any manner she took, he could handle her at her best, and he also stayed during the worst. Really, that got me thinking.

We spent days and nights to think that we can choose, that we can find the one among so many people we meet. What if it should be easier?
What if there is really only one person who can take you for good or worse?
Really, would you let that one person pass you by? Don't you love the idea that someone out there in this world, can really accept you, and love you, more than you can handle yourself?


Personal Thoughts

March's Been Good

9:45:00 AM

I woke up this morning to a message from a friend, asking several things about his ex. I spilled him the details he needed then carried on with encouraging him to move on. I'm sticking with that belief, relationship should not be so hard, for sure how things happen, whether it is good or bad, is solely based on how we perceive them. A good life is only a good mindset away, well, stoic at its best. I came up with a thought that we really could tell ourselves anything we would want to perceive, and it kinda took me a while to realize that being in good mood, telling yourself good stories, having positive approach in life worked better than the otherwise. Sometimes, we spend so much time being our own worst critic, we tell ourselves things that is limiting and debilitating without realizing those are the ones that break us down, not the problem itself.

March's been awesome, it's not perfect but it lets life reveal some of its beauty. Beauty of hard work, beauty of patience, beauty of friendship. And at this moment, the peace is lingering on me. Future will reveal itself, I know I always can choose peace, and I'm choosing it over any other things.

Personal Thoughts

You Owe It to Yourself

9:30:00 AM

Lately I realize, no one loves you as good as you can do to yourself.  No one can heal your wounded soul other than yourself. Healing needs courage, needs sincere prayer, needs your own decision.. to stop looking back, to do what is good for your soul, and to be honest about it. So when things hardly go your way, you can be grateful, you know that nothing can ever be that bad

because you have you.

And you yourself is really enough.

Personal Thoughts


10:27:00 AM

Rain’s falling outside, dripping hard. Jakarta is cold and windy. I’m feeling warm and blessed. So many things to learn in these previous years, especially these past three years. Living after college is different. Being adult is different and it demands another form of mentality. Accepting and dealing with reality is a real challenge at first, but can be very liberating. To fully aware of your heart needs, what makes your heart happy and contented. I’m now fully equipped to hug life again and thrive.

Finally, happiness is always on your side. You just have to accept and cherish it. Easier said than done, but it all starts with self-love. Learning how to be happy and secured from within, not because of A, B, or C. I used to hate birthdays, because birthdays come with a lot of expectations, and expectations sometimes overkill. Today, I decide to leave all expectations behind. I let love flow in its strange, beautiful, enchanting ways. One sincere pray from my best friend that I find so comforting, is to me finding my own, deep innate happiness. I realize that I never lack of love from others, but I lack of love for myself that I can not see what others have given me and I cannot pour what I have inside.

So my wish and hope for this year, is to feel the love of life again. To be a kinder person for my surroundings. To reunite with my true self that’s been long drifted apart because of doubts and fears. To go for my dreams, drop all my fears of uncertainty, and may this heart always be in ease, soft, and loving so it can pour to fill others’.

Thank you Lord for your endless kindness, for the overflowing love, protection, health, for my healthy loving parents, friends, and lover. Thank you thank you thank you. When life gives you a lot of things, embrace them; embrace them all with love.


Personal Thoughts

You and Things You Buy

10:43:00 AM

Yesterday I went to have a lunch with my best friend who happened to befriend with my boyfriend’s coworker. A warm, lovely lunch filled with light jokes also talks about interesting stocks to buy this following week. After that, I decided to hop into F21 to pick great-but-cheap hairbands, it turned out they ran out of it yet they had sale, pay 2 get 1 free for all stuffs so I grabbed some earrings and necklace, under 5 bucks for 3 items. Then I strolled down to H&M to get their hairbands, though it was not as good as F21’s.

It’s been quite sometime for me to go into those two places since leaving grad school. Lifestyle shifts, they say. I bumped into group of college gurls, gurls dragging their parents to the cashier, and I can’t help remembering myself back then, when I don’t have any money but I was more satisfied with my life.  When I was looking forward to go there with mum. When happiness had got something to do with money, but not so much. I enjoyed cheap thrills. I went a date on junk food stall. I only got my frappe once a month after mum sent me my monthly allowance to live in Depok. Life pretty much made more sense.

Sometimes bottomless pit makes everything seems pointless. Too many cups of latte make you forget how warming it can be. Too many expensive shoes and purses do not give you joy you always long for. Too much of everything makes everything loses its meaning.  And yes, you will never feel enough if you don’t stop and realize that you are all blessed in every step and choice you take.

Maybe I’m not achieving enough financial freedom to say this, but really, sometimes you need to get everything you want first to realize, it’s never about getting everything you want.

I smiled a lot after that. Of course back then, there were days when I wished I had got more money, I wished I could afford A, B, C and so on. I relieved to know that first, you might be able to get things you really want to, but the second, they won’t make you happy unless you yourself decide that it can make you happy.

The key is to be grateful. But really, I’m considering to live like a grad student again and save more in 2017.

Personal Thoughts

Instant Needs

2:10:00 PM

Seorang sahabat saya belakangan ini sedang ditimpa kejadian tidak mengenakkan. Hubungannya dengan kekasihnya tidak berjalan baik disertai tidak adanya kejelasan. Menurutnya, jika dia melakukan effort lebih banyak, maka kejelasan yang ia inginkan itu bisa segera ia dapatkan. Nyatanya, sampai hari ini hubungan mereka berdua belum kembali seperti sedia kala.

Begitu banyak hal di keseharian kita saat ini yang memungkinkan kita untuk mendapatkan apa yang kita mau secara instan. Wanna go on a date? Download Tinder. Wanna grab some food? Order thru the apps. Wanna have clear skin? Laser aja, dll. Kemudahan-kemudahan ini sejujurnya didesain untuk meningkatkan produktivitas kita karena waktu adalah komoditi yang paling mahal di dunia ini. On the other side.. kita jadi ga bisa menunggu. Kita mau apa yang kita mau kejadian detik ini juga. Flu? Pop those pills and work until late instead of getting some fine sleep. Tired? Buy a coffee instead of getting real sleep. Not fit? Drink and eat anything that can make you feel good. Proses jadi terasa seperti hal yang melelahkan. Menunggu dianggap sebagai hal yang counterproductive. Kenyataannya, menunggu kadang termasuk di dalam proses. Menunggu seseorang agar kembali kewarasannya, menunggu agar sakit di hati sembuh dan bisa sepenuhnya memaafkan, menunggu dan bersabar.

Saya, seperti sahabat saya tadi, juga memiliki kesulitan dalam memahami arti proses. Saya mau segalanya instan. Hidung mampet, langsung minum obat. Kalau patah hati, saya binge-eating atau binge-watching untuk numbing the pain. Bukan cuma itu, saya suka berharap orang lain bisa cepat memaafkan kesalahan saya, saya ingin project-project saya kelar lebih cepat, bahkan saya mendoakan teman saya yang berulang tahun dengan ucapan “semoga cepat blablabla”.

Padahal, tidak ada gunanya semua terjadi cepat dan instan jika memang belum momennya.

Salah satu resolusi saya di tahun 2017 adalah menghargai timing dan proses. Tidak lagi terburu-buru dan ingin semuanya serba cepat. Saya pun berbagi saran kepada sahabat saya, “mungkin hal yang perlu dipelajari dari pengalaman kamu saat ini adalah untuk bersabar”. Yes, trust the moment, when it’s the right timing, it will happen.

Personal Thoughts

Amounts of Fuck Given

9:22:00 AM

It’s amazing how social media amps up the process of humblebrag.
It’s amazing too to realize that what happens to her life has got nothing to do with your life really, but you can’t help being sick of that kind of attitude. Since, unfortunately, she can be a childhood friend, she can be your coworkers, she can be nobody you do not know in real life.
And in this kind of world, when your daily job and relationship already demand you tons of fuck given, we somehow get depleted of those unnecessary things, people who hastily look for recognition from wrong audience.
OK, maybe it's just me being envious, or malicious, or unkind.
Yet, I don’t want to be that kind of person who throws poo in somebody’s party. There’s just a moment exactly where I simply cannot relate, that’s all. And for that case, I think it’s my part to say, “I don’t sign up for this”. And just give no shit.