You Owe It to Yourself

Lately I realize, no one loves you as good as you can do to yourself.  No one can heal your wounded soul other than yourself. Healing needs courage, needs sincere prayer, needs your own decision.. to stop looking back, to do what is good for your soul, and to be honest about it. So when things hardly go your way, you can be grateful, you know that nothing can ever be that bad

because you have you.



And you yourself is really enough.

Self-Love

Rain’s falling outside, dripping hard. Jakarta is cold and windy. I’m feeling warm and blessed. So many things to learn in these previous years, especially these past three years. Living after college is different. Being adult is different and it demands another form of mentality. Accepting and dealing with reality is a real challenge at first, but can be very liberating. To fully aware of your heart needs, what makes your heart happy and contented. I’m now fully equipped to hug life again and thrive.

Finally, happiness is always on your side. You just have to accept and cherish it. Easier said than done, but it all starts with self-love. Learning how to be happy and secured from within, not because of A, B, or C. I used to hate birthdays, because birthdays come with a lot of expectations, and expectations sometimes overkill. Today, I decide to leave all expectations behind. I let love flow in its strange, beautiful, enchanting ways. One sincere pray from my best friend that I find so comforting, is to me finding my own, deep innate happiness. I realize that I never lack of love from others, but I lack of love for myself that I can not see what others have given me and I cannot pour what I have inside.

So my wish and hope for this year, is to feel the love of life again. To be a kinder person for my surroundings. To reunite with my true self that’s been long drifted apart because of doubts and fears. To go for my dreams, drop all my fears of uncertainty, and may this heart always be in ease, soft, and loving so it can pour to fill others’.

Thank you Lord for your endless kindness, for the overflowing love, protection, health, for my healthy loving parents, friends, and lover. Thank you thank you thank you. When life gives you a lot of things, embrace them; embrace them all with love.

FPL

You and Things You Buy

Yesterday I went to have a lunch with my best friend who happened to befriend with my boyfriend’s coworker. A warm, lovely lunch filled with light jokes also talks about interesting stocks to buy this following week. After that, I decided to hop into F21 to pick great-but-cheap hairbands, it turned out they ran out of it yet they had sale, pay 2 get 1 free for all stuffs so I grabbed some earrings and necklace, under 5 bucks for 3 items. Then I strolled down to H&M to get their hairbands, though it was not as good as F21’s.

It’s been quite sometime for me to go into those two places since leaving grad school. Lifestyle shifts, they say. I bumped into group of college gurls, gurls dragging their parents to the cashier, and I can’t help remembering myself back then, when I don’t have any money but I was more satisfied with my life.  When I was looking forward to go there with mum. When happiness had got something to do with money, but not so much. I enjoyed cheap thrills. I went a date on junk food stall. I only got my frappe once a month after mum sent me my monthly allowance to live in Depok. Life pretty much made more sense.

Sometimes bottomless pit makes everything seems pointless. Too many cups of latte make you forget how warming it can be. Too many expensive shoes and purses do not give you joy you always long for. Too much of everything makes everything loses its meaning.  And yes, you will never feel enough if you don’t stop and realize that you are all blessed in every step and choice you take.

Maybe I’m not achieving enough financial freedom to say this, but really, sometimes you need to get everything you want first to realize, it’s never about getting everything you want.

I smiled a lot after that. Of course back then, there were days when I wished I had got more money, I wished I could afford A, B, C and so on. I relieved to know that first, you might be able to get things you really want to, but the second, they won’t make you happy unless you yourself decide that it can make you happy.

The key is to be grateful. But really, I’m considering to live like a grad student again and save more in 2017.

Instant Needs

Seorang sahabat saya belakangan ini sedang ditimpa kejadian tidak mengenakkan. Hubungannya dengan kekasihnya tidak berjalan baik disertai tidak adanya kejelasan. Menurutnya, jika dia melakukan effort lebih banyak, maka kejelasan yang ia inginkan itu bisa segera ia dapatkan. Nyatanya, sampai hari ini hubungan mereka berdua belum kembali seperti sedia kala.

Begitu banyak hal di keseharian kita saat ini yang memungkinkan kita untuk mendapatkan apa yang kita mau secara instan. Wanna go on a date? Download Tinder. Wanna grab some food? Order thru the apps. Wanna have clear skin? Laser aja, dll. Kemudahan-kemudahan ini sejujurnya didesain untuk meningkatkan produktivitas kita karena waktu adalah komoditi yang paling mahal di dunia ini. On the other side.. kita jadi ga bisa menunggu. Kita mau apa yang kita mau kejadian detik ini juga. Flu? Pop those pills and work until late instead of getting some fine sleep. Tired? Buy a coffee instead of getting real sleep. Not fit? Drink and eat anything that can make you feel good. Proses jadi terasa seperti hal yang melelahkan. Menunggu dianggap sebagai hal yang counterproductive. Kenyataannya, menunggu kadang termasuk di dalam proses. Menunggu seseorang agar kembali kewarasannya, menunggu agar sakit di hati sembuh dan bisa sepenuhnya memaafkan, menunggu dan bersabar.

Saya, seperti sahabat saya tadi, juga memiliki kesulitan dalam memahami arti proses. Saya mau segalanya instan. Hidung mampet, langsung minum obat. Kalau patah hati, saya binge-eating atau binge-watching untuk numbing the pain. Bukan cuma itu, saya suka berharap orang lain bisa cepat memaafkan kesalahan saya, saya ingin project-project saya kelar lebih cepat, bahkan saya mendoakan teman saya yang berulang tahun dengan ucapan “semoga cepat blablabla”.

Padahal, tidak ada gunanya semua terjadi cepat dan instan jika memang belum momennya.

Salah satu resolusi saya di tahun 2017 adalah menghargai timing dan proses. Tidak lagi terburu-buru dan ingin semuanya serba cepat. Saya pun berbagi saran kepada sahabat saya, “mungkin hal yang perlu dipelajari dari pengalaman kamu saat ini adalah untuk bersabar”. Yes, trust the moment, when it’s the right timing, it will happen.

Amounts of Fuck Given

It’s amazing how social media amps up the process of humblebrag.

It’s amazing too to realize that what happens to her life has got nothing to do with your life really, but you can’t help being sick of that kind of attitude. Since, unfortunately, she can be a childhood friend, she can be your coworkers, she can be nobody you do not know in real life.

And in this kind of world, when your daily job and relationship already demand you tons of fuck given, we somehow get depleted of those unnecessary things, people who hastily look for recognition from wrong audience.
OK, maybe it's just me being envious, or malicious, or unkind.

Yet, I don’t want to be that kind of person who throws poo in somebody’s party. There’s just a moment exactly where I simply cannot relate, that’s all. And for that case, I think it’s my part to say, “I don’t sign up for this”. And just give no shit.