A bit of Romcom

Most of guys I've ever dated now are married. To wonderful women? Sure, I guess. No, I'm not saying this in a mellow tune, or certain kind of sadness. It's just like when I realise each person you meet, each person you know actually teaches about understanding yourself better. About knowing your boundaries. About knowing what you want. About knowing what matters. A will see you this way, B will see you that way, which way do you want to believe? I guess the one you are comfortable of being.

No right or wrong, because your reflection on their eyes are somehow dispersed by their personalities, fears, and hopes, too.

And after all, after those heart breaks, lonely nights, tears,
after those happy days, laughter, and endless talk,
you will sit comfortably with yourself knowing there will be people who will take you when it's sunny or cloudy. And whether you are here or there. And whether you are going for your dreams, there will be people who respect you wholly, not being hurt or intimidated, not trying to hurt you, and will always respect your choice.

Love is real, darling. But make sure it doesn't intentionally hurt you.



Coventry, October 2018
FPL

Fall 2018

I write this as I am sitting inside Curiositea, the lovely small cafe in front of Piazza of The University of Warwick.
Here I am after all, sitting, breathing, ordering Salted Caramel Loaf that turns out tasting perfect.
It's been four years since college, now I'm back on it again. Quite later than the initial plan, though. I was thinking 3-year experience would be enough to hit the book again but life, back then, didn't let me. It asked me to wait.
Fyi, the University of Warwick is not located in Warwick, it is actually located in Coventry. A small quite city in West Midlands, UK.

Life has been so kind. Every step and decision that led me to come here finally proving why it should be this way, why I needed to be here at the very moment. I'm not talking about finding myself or creating bigger dreams or letting go of what hurts. I'm talking about how I am slowing down my pace, living in a quiet city, understanding people from different cultures, speaking with language that I'm not used to, visiting so many groceries with best friends, cooking my own meals, doing laundry with progressive methods, making new friends that feel like family, acknowledging which people who truly love me and who don't, all of those thing give the life itself meaning more than I ever felt.

I learn a lot how melancholy is necessary to make life sweet and soft, but having too much of it will not help anything. I learn how my journey is not there to be compared at with anyone else's, still I should not inflict hurt upon others too for the sake of my own happiness. Every good thing leads to another good thing, and that's pretty much what matters for now. As I'm sipping my latte and staring to the Piazza, well, God, thank You. I'm beyond grateful.



Love,
FPL

If You Wonder How I Live without Instagram

After weeks..or months.. of occupied weekend, I manage to find time to do blog-walking and read light fiction, yass I'm currently reading Rich People Problems. For these past 9 months, life is indeed overwhelming, infuriating, yet majestic. It's all about long trips, endless projects, meetups, and so on. The rest of it left me so drained that I just tucked myself under blanket, sleeping the good weekends off.  Apart from the endless events, life also gives me so much things to learn that I would not have it any other way. I'm grateful for bae who is constantly jacking up my vibes and lighting up the day. I'm grateful for finally finding courage to leave a lot of painful things behind, really behind. I'm grateful to finally decide what I want to do with my life and realize that I don't have to do what I don't want to do.

hilarious and entertaining

"I am much better than how I was", just like Taylor Swift said.

Another thing, I am currently on instagram sabbatical. My friends and family persistenly ask how I live my life without instagram.. Well, I am living my life with less distraction. Gone all the urge to scroll every five minutes. I have time to literally listen to people. I have time to take care for my body and eliminate what is not good. It might not work exactly that way to all people, some of my friends find quitting instagram doesn't do anything to their lives, but I suggest you to try it if you find that you hardly have time for anything you wanna do with your life. One thing I miss from instagram is only picking good filters and posting lovely pictures. ;)

But then I guess, I can just share those pictures here along with my thoughts. Glimpse of my Friday done right with coworkers. Spending lunch at Omah Sendok, Senopati celebrating one's birthday and chilling with my 13-year-of-friendship best friend at Social House, Grand Indonesia. I savored every moment, I didn't have the need to post any good pictures anytime soon on instagram, for sure.

lunch with a soothing view

dear beloved coworkers

chill with another soothing view

Basically, it's just me taking care of my soul, in order to take care of others, first we have to take care of myself, don't you agree?

I take my mojo back. Wishing 2K17 and of course the upcoming 2K18 both roll as wonderful as it's always been for all of us. Always spread love and positive vibes.

Love always,

FPL

Solitude is Bliss

Long holiday with no travel plans. I find comfort in silently thinking about what I want in between. Days of festivity, Eid Al Fitr. I have hard times in forgiving some people but I think that's the real quest, to forgive and just move on with whatever life offers. Stop dwelling and be more pure with our own intentions. I tried to, really, and that made me feel better. Of course, we happen to dislike some people, that is natural. What is not natural is holding onto the grudges and anger within. Since life is not always about you, do you ever think that what those people you hate ever did got nothing to do with you? Sometimes, it's plain about themselves and you don't need to take any credits of that.

Besides being forgiving, another difficult thing to do is letting go of a strong feeling. I've hold onto it for several months, and now, that I have time and space with myself to try to release it, it is stubbornly stuck with me. I know I've made it my favorite thing, my inner desire, my deepest anchor to get back to the vibes, realizing now I'm just holding on to something which is not quite right. It will take me months to finally get over it, but hopefully it will be easier and quicker.

Basically, it's PMS season and I'm kinda easily irritated that I cut down communication with people who might get my alarm firing. The only comfort I can find right now is being with myself. That's more than enough and I'm grateful.

March's Been Good

I woke up this morning to a message from a friend, asking several things about his ex. I spilled him the details he needed then carried on with encouraging him to move on. I'm sticking with that belief, relationship should not be so hard, for sure how things happen, whether it is good or bad, is solely based on how we perceive them. A good life is only a good mindset away, well, stoic at its best. I came up with a thought that we really could tell ourselves anything we would want to perceive, and it kinda took me a while to realize that being in good mood, telling yourself good stories, having positive approach in life worked better than the otherwise. Sometimes, we spend so much time being our own worst critic, we tell ourselves things that is limiting and debilitating without realizing those are the ones that break us down, not the problem itself.

March's been awesome, it's not perfect but it lets life reveal some of its beauty. Beauty of hard work, beauty of patience, beauty of friendship. And at this moment, the peace is lingering on me. Future will reveal itself, I know I always can choose peace, and I'm choosing it over any other things.

You Owe It to Yourself

Lately I realize, no one loves you as good as you can do to yourself.  No one can heal your wounded soul other than yourself. Healing needs courage, needs sincere prayer, needs your own decision.. to stop looking back, to do what is good for your soul, and to be honest about it. So when things hardly go your way, you can be grateful, you know that nothing can ever be that bad

because you have you.



And you yourself is really enough.

Self-Love

Rain’s falling outside, dripping hard. Jakarta is cold and windy. I’m feeling warm and blessed. So many things to learn in these previous years, especially these past three years. Living after college is different. Being adult is different and it demands another form of mentality. Accepting and dealing with reality is a real challenge at first, but can be very liberating. To fully aware of your heart needs, what makes your heart happy and contented. I’m now fully equipped to hug life again and thrive.

Finally, happiness is always on your side. You just have to accept and cherish it. Easier said than done, but it all starts with self-love. Learning how to be happy and secured from within, not because of A, B, or C. I used to hate birthdays, because birthdays come with a lot of expectations, and expectations sometimes overkill. Today, I decide to leave all expectations behind. I let love flow in its strange, beautiful, enchanting ways. One sincere pray from my best friend that I find so comforting, is to me finding my own, deep innate happiness. I realize that I never lack of love from others, but I lack of love for myself that I can not see what others have given me and I cannot pour what I have inside.

So my wish and hope for this year, is to feel the love of life again. To be a kinder person for my surroundings. To reunite with my true self that’s been long drifted apart because of doubts and fears. To go for my dreams, drop all my fears of uncertainty, and may this heart always be in ease, soft, and loving so it can pour to fill others’.

Thank you Lord for your endless kindness, for the overflowing love, protection, health, for my healthy loving parents, friends, and lover. Thank you thank you thank you. When life gives you a lot of things, embrace them; embrace them all with love.

FPL

You and Things You Buy

Yesterday I went to have a lunch with my best friend who happened to befriend with my boyfriend’s coworker. A warm, lovely lunch filled with light jokes also talks about interesting stocks to buy this following week. After that, I decided to hop into F21 to pick great-but-cheap hairbands, it turned out they ran out of it yet they had sale, pay 2 get 1 free for all stuffs so I grabbed some earrings and necklace, under 5 bucks for 3 items. Then I strolled down to H&M to get their hairbands, though it was not as good as F21’s.

It’s been quite sometime for me to go into those two places since leaving grad school. Lifestyle shifts, they say. I bumped into group of college gurls, gurls dragging their parents to the cashier, and I can’t help remembering myself back then, when I don’t have any money but I was more satisfied with my life.  When I was looking forward to go there with mum. When happiness had got something to do with money, but not so much. I enjoyed cheap thrills. I went a date on junk food stall. I only got my frappe once a month after mum sent me my monthly allowance to live in Depok. Life pretty much made more sense.

Sometimes bottomless pit makes everything seems pointless. Too many cups of latte make you forget how warming it can be. Too many expensive shoes and purses do not give you joy you always long for. Too much of everything makes everything loses its meaning.  And yes, you will never feel enough if you don’t stop and realize that you are all blessed in every step and choice you take.

Maybe I’m not achieving enough financial freedom to say this, but really, sometimes you need to get everything you want first to realize, it’s never about getting everything you want.

I smiled a lot after that. Of course back then, there were days when I wished I had got more money, I wished I could afford A, B, C and so on. I relieved to know that first, you might be able to get things you really want to, but the second, they won’t make you happy unless you yourself decide that it can make you happy.

The key is to be grateful. But really, I’m considering to live like a grad student again and save more in 2017.

Instant Needs

Seorang sahabat saya belakangan ini sedang ditimpa kejadian tidak mengenakkan. Hubungannya dengan kekasihnya tidak berjalan baik disertai tidak adanya kejelasan. Menurutnya, jika dia melakukan effort lebih banyak, maka kejelasan yang ia inginkan itu bisa segera ia dapatkan. Nyatanya, sampai hari ini hubungan mereka berdua belum kembali seperti sedia kala.

Begitu banyak hal di keseharian kita saat ini yang memungkinkan kita untuk mendapatkan apa yang kita mau secara instan. Wanna go on a date? Download Tinder. Wanna grab some food? Order thru the apps. Wanna have clear skin? Laser aja, dll. Kemudahan-kemudahan ini sejujurnya didesain untuk meningkatkan produktivitas kita karena waktu adalah komoditi yang paling mahal di dunia ini. On the other side.. kita jadi ga bisa menunggu. Kita mau apa yang kita mau kejadian detik ini juga. Flu? Pop those pills and work until late instead of getting some fine sleep. Tired? Buy a coffee instead of getting real sleep. Not fit? Drink and eat anything that can make you feel good. Proses jadi terasa seperti hal yang melelahkan. Menunggu dianggap sebagai hal yang counterproductive. Kenyataannya, menunggu kadang termasuk di dalam proses. Menunggu seseorang agar kembali kewarasannya, menunggu agar sakit di hati sembuh dan bisa sepenuhnya memaafkan, menunggu dan bersabar.

Saya, seperti sahabat saya tadi, juga memiliki kesulitan dalam memahami arti proses. Saya mau segalanya instan. Hidung mampet, langsung minum obat. Kalau patah hati, saya binge-eating atau binge-watching untuk numbing the pain. Bukan cuma itu, saya suka berharap orang lain bisa cepat memaafkan kesalahan saya, saya ingin project-project saya kelar lebih cepat, bahkan saya mendoakan teman saya yang berulang tahun dengan ucapan “semoga cepat blablabla”.

Padahal, tidak ada gunanya semua terjadi cepat dan instan jika memang belum momennya.

Salah satu resolusi saya di tahun 2017 adalah menghargai timing dan proses. Tidak lagi terburu-buru dan ingin semuanya serba cepat. Saya pun berbagi saran kepada sahabat saya, “mungkin hal yang perlu dipelajari dari pengalaman kamu saat ini adalah untuk bersabar”. Yes, trust the moment, when it’s the right timing, it will happen.

Amounts of Fuck Given

It’s amazing how social media amps up the process of humblebrag.

It’s amazing too to realize that what happens to her life has got nothing to do with your life really, but you can’t help being sick of that kind of attitude. Since, unfortunately, she can be a childhood friend, she can be your coworkers, she can be nobody you do not know in real life.

And in this kind of world, when your daily job and relationship already demand you tons of fuck given, we somehow get depleted of those unnecessary things, people who hastily look for recognition from wrong audience.
OK, maybe it's just me being envious, or malicious, or unkind.

Yet, I don’t want to be that kind of person who throws poo in somebody’s party. There’s just a moment exactly where I simply cannot relate, that’s all. And for that case, I think it’s my part to say, “I don’t sign up for this”. And just give no shit.