21.11.15

#loveyourself

Of course it's not a coincidence that I am inclined to write when my boyfriend's not around. Yes, he is preoccupying my days and nights, besides sleeping, hitting up the gym, working 9 to 5, and eating out with friends on weekend, also some chats with mom and dad. For that reason, I'm having a very little time with myself and it simply turned into a habit; I always feel nervous and anxious when I'm alone with my thoughts, which then again becoming a plague. I believe this is not only my problems, since there are a lot of women out there who used to be very independent then getting needy by time. Maybe I'm not independent too, nonetheless after several hardships because of being needy in the past I'm slightly changing and no longer charging my significant one a duty to create my good vibes. I'm the captain of my soul and loving someone unfolds series of giving, not asking or keeping for the sake of yourself. My boyfriend is one bustling soul. He embodies real man with prodigious dreams thus he has a lot of things to do. When he is occupied, well, like now he is doing live-report for the official instagram of Flag Football Indonesia, I should meet myself and my thoughts completely on a weekend, which hasn't happened for quite some time. Usually, when he's out of town on weekend, I also have agenda to do, like corporate human capital training, or best friend's birthday bash, or being out of town too. Today for me it is an all-home rest day since I caught a flu last week plus stomachache because of having too many spicy and sour food. (Btw, on Monday we got our first anniversary dinner which was far from our casual date :p). After days of loving him, I find out that it changes me much. Perhaps not because of loving him itself, but because I'm growing wiser, too. I try to see love in a different sight. I try to tie my goals to my dreams not to people. I learn how to forgive my bad thoughts or negative vibes when sometimes they creep and haunt but then I let them go and feel good again instantly. Love itself, just like every single thing in this world; joy, sadness, gratitude, stress, good days and so on, is all in your thoughts. It depends on you, how you wanna see it, how you wanna feel it. So I shift my view about lover, from one possession to one great companion, and I keep evoking my mind with belief that before being a good lover for somebody else, I should be a profound companion for myself. Here I am, accompanying myself while missing my boyfriend. No, I'm not nagging, I simply am grateful for being centered while blogging and recovering.

Some anniversary message to Universe: I'm not into rushing stuffs, I'm up for great hundred years ahead with you and of course being one great companion to explore this world.. with tons of love.

btw yesss, I'm inspired from Bieber's newest hits :p

Enjoy your weekend, will you?
FPL

22.7.15

Saat Aku Menulis Lagi

Aku tersenyum membaca pesan darinya. "Kalau kamu sudah lama berhenti melakukannya, lama-lama pemberian Tuhan itu bisa lenyap tak berbekas."
Yang ia maksud bakat menulisku. Suatu hal yang melekat padaku sejak aku tahu bawa kata-kata bisa dirangkai indah dan memiliki beragam makna. Suatu kebiasaan yang dahulu tidak pernah ku tinggalkan. Ada buku harian dengan tulisan cakar ayam karyaku waktu masih di sekolah dasar, curhat galau ketika aku masuk SMP dan mulai jatuh cinta, jurnal patah hati dan kegiatan sehari-hari di masa SMA, serta catatan sepanjang kuliah lengkap dengan candaan jahil teman-teman. Beberapa cerpenku pernah dimuat di majalah sekolah dan surat kabar ibu kota. Aku sering pula menulis dalam bahasa Inggris dan blogku.. Aku sering bercerita tentang perasaanku di blog-ku.

"Aku berhenti menulis karena kamu berhenti membaca tulisanku."

Begitu jawabanku terhadap pernyataannya. Dia pembaca setiaku sejak ku mengenalnya. Dia selalu memberikan kritik membangun, menambah kosa kataku, memberikan inspirasi cerita, juga membuatku bahagia.

Sudah 10 menit. Belum ada balasan lagi darinya. Aku bertemu dengannya di bawah mendungnya langit kota tempatku kuliah. Saat payungku tertinggal dan aku harus segera bergegas kembali ke kosan demi tugas yang tertinggal. Payungnya menjadi penyelamat kecil di antara rintik hujan dan kecemasanku akan nilai di kertas folio. Sejak saat itu, aku tidak bisa tidak sentimental mengenai apapun dari dirinya. Betapa hangatnya dia menggenggam tanganku atau betapa sering ia memarahiku karena lupa menurunkan laptop dari mobil. Betapa dia tidak pernah absen membawai aku kue dan minuman manis dengan bubble ketika tugasku menumpuk. Betapa hatiku hancur saat beberapa hal mulai berubah dan yang paling menyakitkan, dia yang berubah.

Tanpa ingin menyalahkan siapapun, aku pun berhenti menulis. Karena sejak saat dia melangkah pergi dariku, aku tidak tahu apa ada hal lain yang bisa ku bagi dan ku ceritakan. Momen kami berpisah selalu menari di kepalaku, membunuh cerita lain yang seharusnya bisa ku ungkapkan. Aku kesulitan menerima perubahan kehidupanku. Kenyataan bahwa aku lebih bahagia tanpanya. Cerita hidupnya yang jauh lebih indah tanpa aku. Aku pun berhenti menulis karena kata-kata yang tersimpan dalam-dalam ini sesungguhnya berupa permintaan kembali yang tidak tersampaikan. Aku tidak lagi menulis karena setiap huruf yang ku ketik menbawaku selangkah pada kenyataan bahwa aku bukan lagi pencerita favorit dalam hari-harinya. Bukan lagi pencerita dalam hatinya yang setiap hari kisahnya dinantikan.

Tapi, kini di kafe tempat kami memutuskan berpisah ini aku duduk di depan laptop. Kembali mengetik cerita riang. Aku hapus sent items beserta email-email lama yang ada.

"Sudah lama duduk di sini?".

Aku menengadahkan kepala dan tersenyum membalas sapaan hangat,

ah iya, sudah waktunya aku menulis lagi.


Juli 2015. Waiting for my boyfriend to get home.
inspired from Taylor Swift - Begin Again.

4.7.15

Patience & Gratitude

Selama bulan Ramadhan ini, di kantor ada serangkaian kegiatan yang dilakukan dengan tujuan menambah khidmatnya suasana serta meningkatkan iman dan ketakwaan pegawai. I voluntarily joined the squad and helped the team. So far, banyak yang baik-baiknya. Dari kajian siang banyak membahas masalah wanita sholehah, dari kajian Kamis belajar baca Al- Quran supaya makin baik (tahsin), ketemu ustad-ustadzah yang selama ini mejeng di TV, dan paling seru jamming sama anak-anak Tim Akustik Ramadhan nyanyiin lagu-lagu rohani. Simple, yet beautiful and life-changing experiences.
Yang paling menarik hati sebenarnya adalah topik dari Ustadzah Nani yang bilang hidup ini komponennya adalah syukur dan sabar. Kalau lagi bahagia bersyukur, kalau lagi ada masalah bersabar. Kalau keduanya bisa berjalan sinkron, insha Allah hati bisa jadi lebih tenang, kalau hati lebih tenang, kita bisa memperlakukan orang lain dengan lebih baik. (jadi kalo ada orang yang nyakitin, don't take them seriously, they are the one who need help and love)
Berbekal resep syukur dan sabar itulah akhir-akhir ini saya coba terapkan. Kurangi marah-marah atas hal-hal yang ga sempurna, perbanyak bersyukur untuk rejeki yang alhamdulillah masih diberikan, kesehatan, orang tua dan teman-teman yang juga sehat. Dengan hati yang lebih contented, hubungan antar sesama manusia jadi ikut-ikut baik, I pretty believe it. ;)

Ramadhan udah berjalan separuh bulan lebih dan banyak banget refleksi batin yang berlangsung. Mau lebih fokus ke kegiatan apapun yang dilakukan, ga baper sama kata-kata yang kurang nyenengin, dan makin banyak berbagi untuk sesama. How do you roll your days within Ramadhan?


Love,
Erin

18.6.15

Ramadhan Karim

Ramadhan takes me to a beautiful inner state and I guess that's how it works for each of you too. It gives you a sense that life without desires means life with so much blessings, so less problems. It teaches you how to ask for forgiveness, yet what's more important, it teaches you how to forgive every single heart break or pain which ever got into our hearts. It makes you rethink your habit before easily auto-piloting. It drives you into goodness.

I myself come to the office earlier since I gotta shift my workout routine to the evening, luckily, I got an exact time to sit in front of my notebook. Writing.
Today is day 1, I hope this wonderful calming state stays until the next Ramadhan.
I really believe that being a greater personality will take you greater blessings, greater things ahead life. Things which are prohibited, things which are asked to be done, both will bring greater good.
Not preaching, just a current thought caused by this ephemeral euphoria which yes.. I hope will last.

Surrender your heart, enjoy Ramadhan.


10.5.15

Dis-satisfaction

I took a step back and realised, what's it in life if we're not grateful? What's it in life if we feel less than we should? What's it in life if we constantly compare and then break down? What's it in life if we don't decide to be happy for it?
Among things we have taken for granted, love we simply ignore, warmth we do not fully embrace, forgotten hug, things we've asked for so long, the question is: are we capable to accept? Are we capable to receive and being grateful for every single wish that has come true?
Do we still have an open heart and clear recognition towards each of His gifts?
Or are we trapped amidst wishes we never fully wish, questions we do not necessary to have, things we never need to have, foolish cycle of wrong idealism, that somehow drive us into an ungrateful being? Through following those questions, I found answers deep in my heart.

I still remember the days when I pray for things I have now, and all I can feel is a fleeting glimpse of serenity, which I know won't last long, but really doing well in making me feeling complete.

8.5.15

My Incredible Lover

My incredible lover is not your incredible lover.

He might be the same tall guy, gorgeously dressed, and have a smart sense of humour, but he is not your incredible lover.

My incredible lover might be your favorite guy, he might be awesome at throwing smarty-ass jokes and excellence at talking numbers. He might be good at calculating GDP or blabbering much about given politics, he might be a good sport, and be as dandy as he can be.

My incredible lover is a good, balance companion. He will tell you various interesting stories about days and lullabies about sweet nights. You can find him smoking American cigs or probably with pint of beers. The next morning, you will see him weighing himself with lbs of dumbell and doing bench presses, or simply working his glutes to do pile of squats.

My incredible lover is one fine man. He is the man of his words, he's working on being good at it. He's taking care of the business. He rolls his own dice.


My incredible lover, is my incredible lover.

He might be the same guy who ever called you honey, the same guy who kissed you good nite, said sweet words, promised you the world, the future, yesterday, and the day after.



but after all, my incredible lover is my one and only incredible lover.

Ketika Kamu Sedang Sakit

...jadi kepikiran banyak sekali hal. Bisa menghubungi teman-teman lama, sekadar sapa via media sosial. Ngobrol dengan papa mama di jam 8 pagi. Skipping my gym routine, and miss it a lot. Buka-buka diary lama dan amazed dengan beberapa wishlist cemen yang berhasil di-ceklis. Dari mulai punya sepatu Jeffrey Campbell sampai punya penghasilan xxxx per bulan. Kalau tidak ada momen duduk diam begini, pasti pikiran akan terus lari kemana-mana. Bisa kembali memikirkan cita-cita berikutnya, sementara ini masih tentang lanjut Master di Amerika. Berhasil menyelesaikan buku yang dibeli waktu pertama banget mau masuk capital market, Young Money. Kepikiran punya cita-cita lain, tapi sementara ini rahasia dulu.

Ketika lagi sakit, jadi tau banget harga mahalnya sehat. Tau banget betapa indahnya hari-hari biasanya di kantor kerja sambil hahahihi. Ketika lagi sakit, jadi sempet nulis blog lagi. Well, Tuhan selalu menjawab doa kita dengan cara-cara luar biasa meskipun kadang sederhana...

6.5.15

About People who are Hurtful

This morning, I got an interesting chat with my co-workers towards religion, kindness, and wisdom. Well, it starts from religion then it rolls into other deeper values in life. We both have different religion, but we tend to see things in kinda similar way. The talk keeps rolling until one point we talk about hurtful people. Or people who tend to hurt us. Or people who act so stank you want to throw them with anything.

One wisdom taken: people who tend to be hurtful, probably, because their hurt is leaked. I myself got interested with this point. For me, it is kinda true. Somebody can be really hurtful and cruel because something was so harmful in his/her life. It takes more kindness and wisdom to relieve this world from pain and hurt. We don't need so much hatred, we need more love. The hardest thing probably is to forgive those hurtful people. Those who might do you wrong, never forgive, and act like there's nothing wrong with them. But what for holding onto that kind of toxicity?

Just go ahead and be kind. And some people, some people might be part of your history but not your destiny.

5.4.15

Cinta Ini

Sering kali terpikir bagi saya, harusnya kisah-kisah cinta dan puluhan pengalaman berharga dari orang-orang di sekeliling saya ada baiknya juga bila diabadikan.. ditulis maksudnya. Untuk berbagi, untuk menghindari jatuh ke lubang yang orang-orang pernah kejeblos duluan. But well, sama seperti kompleksnya manusia, perasaan dan pengalaman itu sangat sulit di-benchmark. Ada sebuah cerita menarik yang ingin saya bagi, kali ini dari seorang teman baik pernah jatuh cinta dengan perempuan yang menurutnya di kala itu adalah perempuan tersempurna di hidupnya setelah ibunya. Saya sedemikian tahu bagaimana si sahabat saya ini mencintai si perempuan tersebut. Mereka kemudian menjadi dekat, things were so lovely back then. Tiba-tiba ada perubahan besar yang menerpa mereka berdua. Sang sahabat saya ini karena satu dan lain hal tidak bisa lagi ada di sekitar. Otomatis mereka menjadi berjarak, begitu pula dengan hubungan mereka. Mereka pun memutuskan untuk berpisah, tidak lagi sedekat dulu, dan si perempuan ini memilih pria lain bagi dirinya.

Pada saat itu, saya pikir sahabat baik saya ini akan begitu saja berlalu. Ternyata tidak. Perempuan ini kembali lagi menyatroni teman saya. Mereka kembali dekat, teman saya kembali melakukan hal-hal yang menurut saya terlalu baik, tapi saya turut bahagia. Saya selalu turut bahagia ketika teman saya bahagia. Tidak lama kemudian, mereka kembali berpisah. Perempuan ini kembali memilih laki-laki lain. Saya pada saat itu cuma... bingung mau berkata apa. Yang saya tahu, teman saya ini jelas merasa tersakiti, tapi dia memaafkan, dia memberi kesempatan, dia rela, dan dia yakin semuanya akan worth-it. Tapi ada hal-hal yang memang akan lebih baik di jalan yang lain.

Sahabat saya yang lain diselingkuhi oleh mantan pacarnya. Tapi saya juga lagi-lagi tahu, apabila mantannya kembali, ia akan menerimanya dengan sepenuh hati.

Saya pun pernah mencintai sebegitunya, ditolak, namun tidak mau menyerah. At some point, memang benar cinta kadang membuat anda-anda losing grip dan kelihatannya logika mana pun bisa dikalahkan.

Things do not have to make sense when you are in love

Oleh karena itu, saya mungkin bisa berbisik kepada sahabat saya "I will never be your best friend anymore if you choose him back" atau "What the hell are you thinking of getting back together after those things occurred?!", tapi saya tidak mungkin bisa menghentikan mereka yang jatuh cinta teramat sangat sampai menembus logika. Saya menghormati perasaan-perasaan tersebut. Komentar-komentar di atas cukup logis namun egois. Pada akhirnya saya cuma akan berkata kepada mereka,

"if that makes you happy, just carry on."

12.2.15

22

Alive, contented, and grateful.
Am beyond words to say how I am thankful to God for finally meeting my favorite day of the year, one day when I should contemplate over what I have given and got throughout the year. I've learnt that being with yourself is a good thing. Having yourself control your desire is also a good thing. I lost friends, I met new fellows, I fell out of love, I looked deeper for its meaning, losing confidence, gaining great things. Turns out life is so much exciting when you open you heart and forgive.

I am focusing on the good. Happy happy birthday

A bit of Romcom

Most of guys I've ever dated now are married. To wonderful women? Sure, I guess. No, I'm not saying this in a mellow tune, or certai...