Instant Needs

Seorang sahabat saya belakangan ini sedang ditimpa kejadian tidak mengenakkan. Hubungannya dengan kekasihnya tidak berjalan baik disertai tidak adanya kejelasan. Menurutnya, jika dia melakukan effort lebih banyak, maka kejelasan yang ia inginkan itu bisa segera ia dapatkan. Nyatanya, sampai hari ini hubungan mereka berdua belum kembali seperti sedia kala.

Begitu banyak hal di keseharian kita saat ini yang memungkinkan kita untuk mendapatkan apa yang kita mau secara instan. Wanna go on a date? Download Tinder. Wanna grab some food? Order thru the apps. Wanna have clear skin? Laser aja, dll. Kemudahan-kemudahan ini sejujurnya didesain untuk meningkatkan produktivitas kita karena waktu adalah komoditi yang paling mahal di dunia ini. On the other side.. kita jadi ga bisa menunggu. Kita mau apa yang kita mau kejadian detik ini juga. Flu? Pop those pills and work until late instead of getting some fine sleep. Tired? Buy a coffee instead of getting real sleep. Not fit? Drink and eat anything that can make you feel good. Proses jadi terasa seperti hal yang melelahkan. Menunggu dianggap sebagai hal yang counterproductive. Kenyataannya, menunggu kadang termasuk di dalam proses. Menunggu seseorang agar kembali kewarasannya, menunggu agar sakit di hati sembuh dan bisa sepenuhnya memaafkan, menunggu dan bersabar.

Saya, seperti sahabat saya tadi, juga memiliki kesulitan dalam memahami arti proses. Saya mau segalanya instan. Hidung mampet, langsung minum obat. Kalau patah hati, saya binge-eating atau binge-watching untuk numbing the pain. Bukan cuma itu, saya suka berharap orang lain bisa cepat memaafkan kesalahan saya, saya ingin project-project saya kelar lebih cepat, bahkan saya mendoakan teman saya yang berulang tahun dengan ucapan “semoga cepat blablabla”.

Padahal, tidak ada gunanya semua terjadi cepat dan instan jika memang belum momennya.

Salah satu resolusi saya di tahun 2017 adalah menghargai timing dan proses. Tidak lagi terburu-buru dan ingin semuanya serba cepat. Saya pun berbagi saran kepada sahabat saya, “mungkin hal yang perlu dipelajari dari pengalaman kamu saat ini adalah untuk bersabar”. Yes, trust the moment, when it’s the right timing, it will happen.

Amounts of Fuck Given

It’s amazing how social media amps up the process of humblebrag.

It’s amazing too to realize that what happens to her life has got nothing to do with your life really, but you can’t help being sick of that kind of attitude. Since, unfortunately, she can be a childhood friend, she can be your coworkers, she can be nobody you do not know in real life.

And in this kind of world, when your daily job and relationship already demand you tons of fuck given, we somehow get depleted of those unnecessary things, people who hastily look for recognition from wrong audience.
OK, maybe it's just me being envious, or malicious, or unkind.

Yet, I don’t want to be that kind of person who throws poo in somebody’s party. There’s just a moment exactly where I simply cannot relate, that’s all. And for that case, I think it’s my part to say, “I don’t sign up for this”. And just give no shit.

Tadi Malam

Tadi malam aku bermimpi tentangmu dan aku tidak bercanda, tidak bohong, tidak mengada-ada. 

Sebagian dari kontur tanganmu sepertinya masih tersimpan dalam impuls sarafku. Kadang ia bangkit muncul ke permukaan. Kadang bentuknya seperti teriakan dalam mimpi karena senang bertemu lagi. Kadang dalam rintik hujan di tengah kemacetan, deras namun stuck, berhenti.

Tadi malam di mimpiku kamu tidak tertawa.

Kamu berkata-kata dan bercerita seperti biasa. Kamu tidak berubah. Entah kenapa kamu terlihat biasa saja. Apakah sekarang kamu juga biasa saja? Aku juga biasa saja, tapi caraku bukan dengan menghapusmu. Caraku adalah tidak menolakmu muncul ke permukaan.

Caraku membiarkan bagianmu yang pernah hidup di hariku tidak lagi menggangu kenyataan yang ada, agar tidak didera derita, atau harus merasa kecewa,

bagaimana pun caranya.

Unnoticed Gift

How far can you love somebody? Are you able to accept their flaws? Are you able to forgive their darkest mistake? Can you bear with her neediness when you yourself do not feel okay with your life? Can you strengthen yourself then take care for her wounds?

Or will you run away then leave when things are uneasy? Will you be able to love somebody when she's in dire need of it, when she's at the hardest point to be loved?

I once wrote about asking too much of love, regarding the fact we may do that every single time. We demand our partner to be A, to be B, etc. Sometimes we want everything just like what we want without realising relationship itself is a set of compromise. The idea is not changing who they are into their perfect circumstances, the idea is accepting them wholly. After series of stop asking so much, then another chapter appears, series of embracing who they are, to let loose our expectation towards how our partners will act and respond. To let loose our expectations of being loved and be okay with how they treat us. It's not an easy job. Loving someone is not an easy job that's why some people choose to drop it, to go away, without realising to love and to be loved in return itself is one beautiful gift.

We fail to recognize the beauty of a gift because we think we never ask for it. However, isn't it still a gift?

I write this after contemplating that little did we realize, it's so easy to hurt people who love us because of us being drowned by our sharp ego. Drop that thing, call your loved one, the one you ever scolded, the one you hang on the phone, the one you stop talking with cause she's annoying, the one who never stops loving you though you're hard to be loved.

Remember, hey, it is a gift for you.

Big Heart

It’s so hard to tell yourself and make it believe when somebody doesn’t want to be the part of your life, or your journey. It’s difficult to make it understand that friendship should be mutual. Sometimes what you’re willing to give, the risk you’re willing to take won’t win their hearts, or make you both mutually happy with the relationship. It takes a great deal of wisdom to understand that some people do not belong in your life no matter how hard you try to make it. Some relationships will grow apart, and in your time, you with your big heart should learn the beauty of acceptance. That’s another part of being mature. Life doesn’t mean to get you upset. It doesn’t try to knock you down. Life and the beauty of time will tell what’s best for you.. Just don’t let it drag you down.

Like one wonderful article I’ve read this morning said, “maturity begins when drama and dissatisfaction ends'.

Let's see life in brighter hues.