Tadi Malam

Tadi malam aku bermimpi tentangmu dan aku tidak bercanda, tidak bohong, tidak mengada-ada. 

Sebagian dari kontur tanganmu sepertinya masih tersimpan dalam impuls sarafku. Kadang ia bangkit muncul ke permukaan. Kadang bentuknya seperti teriakan dalam mimpi karena senang bertemu lagi. Kadang dalam rintik hujan di tengah kemacetan, deras namun stuck, berhenti.

Tadi malam di mimpiku kamu tidak tertawa.

Kamu berkata-kata dan bercerita seperti biasa. Kamu tidak berubah. Entah kenapa kamu terlihat biasa saja. Apakah sekarang kamu juga biasa saja? Aku juga biasa saja, tapi caraku bukan dengan menghapusmu. Caraku adalah tidak menolakmu muncul ke permukaan.

Caraku membiarkan bagianmu yang pernah hidup di hariku tidak lagi menggangu kenyataan yang ada, agar tidak didera derita, atau harus merasa kecewa,

bagaimana pun caranya.

Unnoticed Gift

How far can you love somebody? Are you able to accept their flaws? Are you able to forgive their darkest mistake? Can you bear with her neediness when you yourself do not feel okay with your life? Can you strengthen yourself then take care for her wounds?

Or will you run away then leave when things are uneasy? Will you be able to love somebody when she's in dire need of it, when she's at the hardest point to be loved?

I once wrote about asking too much of love, regarding the fact we may do that every single time. We demand our partner to be A, to be B, etc. Sometimes we want everything just like what we want without realising relationship itself is a set of compromise. The idea is not changing who they are into their perfect circumstances, the idea is accepting them wholly. After series of stop asking so much, then another chapter appears, series of embracing who they are, to let loose our expectation towards how our partners will act and respond. To let loose our expectations of being loved and be okay with how they treat us. It's not an easy job. Loving someone is not an easy job that's why some people choose to drop it, to go away, without realising to love and to be loved in return itself is one beautiful gift.

We fail to recognize the beauty of a gift because we think we never ask for it. However, isn't it still a gift?

I write this after contemplating that little did we realize, it's so easy to hurt people who love us because of us being drowned by our sharp ego. Drop that thing, call your loved one, the one you ever scolded, the one you hang on the phone, the one you stop talking with cause she's annoying, the one who never stops loving you though you're hard to be loved.

Remember, hey, it is a gift for you.

Big Heart

It’s so hard to tell yourself and make it believe when somebody doesn’t want to be the part of your life, or your journey. It’s difficult to make it understand that friendship should be mutual. Sometimes what you’re willing to give, the risk you’re willing to take won’t win their hearts, or make you both mutually happy with the relationship. It takes a great deal of wisdom to understand that some people do not belong in your life no matter how hard you try to make it. Some relationships will grow apart, and in your time, you with your big heart should learn the beauty of acceptance. That’s another part of being mature. Life doesn’t mean to get you upset. It doesn’t try to knock you down. Life and the beauty of time will tell what’s best for you.. Just don’t let it drag you down.

Like one wonderful article I’ve read this morning said, “maturity begins when drama and dissatisfaction ends'.

Let's see life in brighter hues.

Get Carrie-d Away

Di akhir tahun  2016, saya menemukan desire untuk menulis, tepatnya, nge-blog lagi. Bukan karena gelisah masih single padahal udah ditanyain melulu sama setiap orang yang ketemu dimanapun dan kapanpun, atau karena banyak mimpi yang tertunda termasuk pingin liburan ke Korea Utara, atau tiba-tiba jadi enlightened karena on strict food combining diet, saya pingin menulis lagi karena lately suka binge-watching Sex And The City, dan so far.. udah sampai di Season 4, waktu Big sudah cerai sama Natasha tapi masih ga jelas arahannya mau kemana sama Carrie.

I know I might be born one decade late to fall for this.. Waktu teman-teman saya sibuk langganan dan nonton Suits di Netflix, saya malah streaming series jadul yang ceritanya tentang tante-tante galau.

I’m not even their age, duh.

Ngomong-ngomong tentang SATC pasti balik lagi soal Carrie Bradshaw, our heroine. My heroine. Saya mengakui dengan penuh kejujuran, saya memang fans beratnya. Cinta banget banget biarpun dia dibilang ga cantik lah, spoiled, egois, suka selingkuh dsb dsb dan hebohnya lagi kalau kalian mau googling di internet raya ini banyak banget artikel blog atau majalah yang ngereview SATC yang ngasih bad remarks tentang Carrie Bradshaw my hero. Kebanyakan dari artikel itu bilang gaya hidup Carrie nonsense, dia ga seharusnya bisa afford living in Manhattan dengan gaji kolumnis yang nulis seminggu sekali plus masih belanja Manolo…plus dia rada gila karena milih untuk pacaran sama om-om labil daripada stay sama Aidan, mantannya yang emotionally stable, loving, available, ganteng, dan punya toko meubel kayak Pak Presiden.

Despite those things, alasan utama kenapa series ini menarik buat saya among all the nonsense is, we, maybe not all of us, but some of us, actually really can relate to what happens within the storyline. Maxxxing out credit card for thing months later will be forgotten, being fooled by love, choosing the wrong guy, dan lain-lain. Sisi lainnya, bukan sekadar hal foya-foya yang bikin series ini nyaman banget untuk ditonton waktu senggang, justru yang paling relatable untuk saya adalah bagian having real friends that really can be counted on. Tanpa Miranda yang rigid but vulnerable, Sam yang hypersex and also a hardcore feminist, dan Charlotte yang lembut plus ga nyeleneh, Carrie would not go through life sih. Dia aja pernah ga bisa bayar apartemen karena beli sepatu...

Itu sih yang bikin betah nontonnya. No matter how far things go wrong, you can always count on your girls. Well, luckily I also have mine so I really can relate. Nah, juga di bagian dating fuckboy dan emotionally unstable guy. Sebelum Drama Uber Nasional happening di Twitter, cerita ditinggalin waktu sayang-sayangnya ada juga di series ini. :p

Another reason why watching it becomes my daily routine is.. Carrie’s job as a lifestyle columnist at New York. No kidding, everytime she sits down with her Mac on her lap or in her white desk I really have the urge to write again. Being shallow about life and its riddles, but true and honest. Carrie selalu nulis setelah dia brunch cantik bareng sama sahabat-sahabatnya dan ngebahas sesuatu tentang dating life. Bukannya itu yang biasa kita lakukan juga sama temen-temen selain gosipin lambe turah? As a woman, we can share and strengthen each other through sharing. Terus apa next step-nya? Saya jadi kepikiran pingin nulis tentang relationship guide & dating tips.  Syukur Alhamdulillah kalau 5 tahun dari sekarang bisa punya kolom sendiri di Tabloid Nova, kek…

Namanya juga film, dari dirilis tahun 90an sampai sekarang, semua tokoh utamanya ga ada yang keliatan tambah tua. Apa karena mereka awet tua? Charlotte tetep keliatan manis-manis aja di film Sex And The City 2 pas mereka semua liburan ke Abu Dhabi. Sam udah ultah yang ke-50 juga masih keliatan gaya asyik a la tante-tante 30an… Well, ini juga jadi inspirasi buat saya biarpun gatau ini arahnya positif apa negatif.

Poin menarik lainnya dari SATC adalah don’t give up on love. Ya iyalah, kalau give up bakal udahan dong filmnya? Awalnya saya pikir begitu sampai waktu nonton SATC The Movie terbukti setelah semua pencarian cinta itu berakhir dan mereka masing-masing udah berbahagia settled sama pasangannya, masih ada problem-problem yang terjadi di dalamnya and again, real friends would not think twice to help you. So, don’t ever think marriage ends your quest, it might ignite another one.

Satu poin penting lainnya, kalau cowo nonton series ini pasti bakal agak kesel. Stereotype fuckboy,  waktu film ini diputer di HBO istilah itu belum booming kayak sekarang, digambarkan dengan sempurna, perfecto, al dente kalo spaghetti oleh sosok Mr.Big, pacar on-off-nya Carrie. Big ini suka, pacaran, putus, nikah sama orang lain, selingkuh sama Carrie, cerai, tapi ga ngajak balikan, dst….sampai akhirnya di SATC  The Movie, Big ngajak nikah terus batal. Hebatnya? Mereka tetep nikah pada akhirnya dan dilamar pakai Hangisi di dalam walk-in closet yang Big bangun untuk Carrie. Walaupun super nonsense, saya sih akan melarang keras temen saya yang ngeyel mau balikan sama fuckboy. Tapi, lagi-lagi film ini mempromosikan kalau cinta itu nyata, dan pada akhirnya bisa bersatu.. even when you’re dating a real asshole that left you then asked you to get back then you agreed but then you guys splitted then he got married with anyone else but then they divorced yet finally he proposed.

One handsome asshole like John James Preston.. Duh.

OK, so shall we share some dating advices?
Kalo kata Mr. Big, "Abso-fuckin-lutely".

All of The Things I Don't Need

Happy 2K17! May we all successfully reach happiness we want to attain, may we live our dreams, and get motivated every single day.

Not gonna bug you with minimalist or vegan way of life yet the title might sound like one. As someone who had been extremely emotionally attached with food, good food, and very good food, picking healthier diet never crossed my mind. I ate what I wanted to eat, whatever it was. As long as it gave me comfort, I'd go for it. Mention all those delicious desserts, cakes, ice cream, all ventis that I drank, whipped cream, and booze. They got me comforted really, I know we all feel the same. Somehow there were problems that I know existing but never taken care of anyway; feeling sluggish, bloated, demotivated, and extremely severe mood swings. In 2015, my indigestion problem bugged me and it was taken care of, with drugs to control it. For addition, I was heavily stressed and unhappy that everything seemed to make the worst out of things. I spent the whole 2016 in an on-off relationship with the drugs prescribed by my gastroenterologist. I never felt really like myself anymore. It started to annoy me, I didn't want to rely on it so I had to change something.

I quitted consuming instant noodles on November 2015, I used to be a loyal big fan when I was in college, I really could eat them noodles like three times a week and enjoyed them so much. I decided to give it a cold turkey and never returned, I hardly can remember when I had one actually. The thing is, cutting down instant noodle alone would not do a thing. I never had fruits and veggies on my plates. I chose meats and meats and processed food. I drank a lot of sugary coffee with milk. My mood swings and sluggish feelings were still around.

In mid 2016, I went crazy for coldpressed juice. Despite my efforts, I always questioned why I never felt okay. I questioned why nothing ever changed. I tried all healthy recipe, regular exercises, praying, and stuffs without realizing I never improved two stuffs : my way of eating & my way of thinking.

Well, I did not become a vegan, I tried food combining.

Lemon+warm water for liver tonic after waking up, all fruits for breakfast until 11AM, meatless lunch, and no carbs dinner (veggies and chicken/just veggies). No milk, tea, coffee. No refined sugar. No cakes and jellies and chocolate. I started to have fruits for breakfast since last week before new year but has just been strictly following the food combining diet for two days and I've been feeling....hmmm, healing crisis. The body yelled for more sugar and sweets and meats. I still felt bloated. But the sluggish feeling has gone, the mood swings also magically disappeared. It is really amazing how food affects your body, and yes, I feel more energized.

Sure, it is not danggg easy. Some of friends found it confusing why I, the spiritual coffee person, ditched latte after lunch. They also found it weird how I skipped meat, poultry, and fish during my lunch. The withdrawal is hard, got you dizzy, but somehow the social issues are even more difficult to deal with. I never feel like explaining it anyway to those who will annoy me. I would just happily explain to those who wanted to learn.

That's the thing I never thought I did not need.

Add some grudges, jealousy, loneliness, heartbreaks, insecurities, and regrets.

Those are things I never realized that I did not need.

So, what unncessary things have you dropped with the passing 2016? 

Love,

FPL