Lessons Learned

It's almost December. I look back to everything that I've been thru and I might say that 2016 is not mediocre. I'm fully grateful for whatever I've been thru, all feelings that try to stop me, those banal fears, and sense of hopelessness also insane worries. I don't know how it would be without His neverending support, His reach, His presence. I don't know how it would be without beloved closest circle and lovers who never cease to share some love and healing words. How 2016 rolled taught me enormous amount of lessons, that the most important thing you ought to have is inner peace and relaxed mind. Sometimes things get hurt, people will be selfish, but you know you have a choice to be okay and stick with what should be done.

I learned to forgive in a very hard way. I learned that some people will never forgive what I've done but that is also not something to be carried within my heart.. I learned to let things bloom in their perfect timings. I learned to accept that life is not perfect but we can still make the best out of it. I learned that some love is so true, some just don't, but that is, again, not a problem. I'm glad for this heart of mine that never grows tired, that can bounce back from disappointment, that is strong enough to learn and live fully, wholeheartedly.

I promise myself I will be better, I promise myself I will forgive, I promise myself I will grow. I hope you do, too.


FPL

Comforting

Entah kenapa mood nulisnya malam ini pakai bahasa Indonesia dan sambil ngedengerin Melly Goeslaw. Cinta much? Iya, lagunya juga yang judulnya Bimbang yang emang soundtrack-nya AADC. Well, I'm not feeling that romantic though, but nights in on a Friday night seems suitable to write total rambling about love. Tadi sore, gue terlibat perbincangan nonsense dengan seorang teman yang bilang kalau dia sekarang udah ga cari pasangan yang sempurna, tapi cari yang nyaman. Kedengarannya sederhana dan bikin adem, ya? Matter fact, it is easier said than done. When you first met your now-partner, mau ga mau pasti yang pertama lo nilai adalah penampilannya, baru kemudian karakter dan kebiasaannya. Poin pertama aja udah tricky banget. Ada cowo yang ganteng dan asik tapi ternyata ngebosenin diajak ngobrol, ada cewe yang demen banget dandan ternyata dapat beasiswa S2 ke Amerika, dan banyak lagi. Begitu poin pertama lulus, ada poin kedua. Poin kedua ini baru bisa kelihatan dengan berjalannya waktu. Udah sering chat, sering makan bareng, udah mulai tahu deh menu favoritnya, apakah dia kesel kalo makanannya lama banget dianter waktu di restoran, apakah dia suka nyela rasa makanan yang kurang pas di lidahnya, apakah dia mau share makanan kesukaannya sama kamu. Some excerpts of the character. Lalu yang ketiga, kebiasaannya. Ternyata suka bohong, ternyata suka ngelaba cewe-cewe di kantor...

Balik lagi ke konteks "nyaman" yang menurut temen saya more simple dibanding cari yang sempurna. Buat saya, itu pun ga lebih mudah. Pada dasarnya, cinta itu ya mere perasaan aja. Kalo udah lanjut dibawa ke relationship, ke sebuah hubungan, baru deh ribet karena ada kata baru yg muncul.. komitmen. Komitmen ini yang bikin jatuh bangun jadi dijalanin aja, ada cowo yang lebih oke dilewatin aja, dikenalin sama orang baru yang kece banget tapi ga dideketin, dst. Butuh keberanian buat berkomitmen dan tentunya komitmen bukan milik semua orang.

Tulisan ini sebenernya udah jadi draft berdebu beberapa minggu yang lalu. Tersimpan manis bareng coret-coretan lain yang kemudian ingin gue lanjutin. Bukan sebagai bagian dari komitmen, tapi bagian dari curhatan aja.

Saya sendiri masih naif dan melulu mencoba cari yang sempurna. Gimana dong kalo kesempurnaan sebenernya adalah kenyamanan itu sendiri? Gimana kalo ternyata kenyamanan itu datangnya dari diri sendiri bukan dari orang lain? Peernya jadi balik lagi ke diri sendiri. Securing yourself first, be contented with it, and one comfortable love will come naturally.. yes?

Starboy

Sometimes in life, you will meet that kind of guy who does not want a relationship, but always seems like wanting intimacy. He will be lovely, nice to talk to; he seems listening and all there. He is also interesting and he knows well that he is interesting. Well, he doesn't seem interested so much in you. That's his magic magnet. You'll question a lot about him. He seems eager, he seems off. He acts nice. He disappears. He doesn't want to look idle. He doesn't want to do so much. He will cancel the plan. He will get back with the plan. He seems like cannot decide... but well, he can.


You will meet that kind of guy, but if he really can not decide
I remind you.. Well, you can. You always can.

We are Asking So Much of Love

After a long day out of the office, having tension headache because of skipping morning run, nothing offers me more peace better than sitting down on a new cafe with a very impressive internet connection & a cup of hot chamomile tea. I'm just plain grateful.
I've been spending some time reading Elizabeth Gilbert's novel revolving around marriage titled Commitment. Written after Eat, Pray, Love, basically it was about a skeptic who is looking for deeper answer about marriage and easing her fear of commitment, post her spiritual journey to Italy, India, and Indonesia. I love how Liz writes, but not really praising on her way to find enlightenment. Not because of anything, simply because that doesn't fit me.
Well, I'm dealing with bad times too but until now it hasn't crossed my mind to ditch my current partner or leave my job in search for something that can fulfill me. Or maybe I just don't have that kind of courage.

I'm still on the chapter two, but the chapter one really got me. It is titled Marriage and Expectations. In that chapter, Liz explained how she, well, later we can correlate, that we are asking for so much of love. We want our partners to inspire us, we want them to be the seed of our happiness. At first, we think that is a simple request. We ask a little. We want to be happy. We want to be happy because of you, our partner, without realizing it really is so much to ask for.

Our modern society now pushes us to look further out of something that might not change from some years a go. Back then, women might find having secured partner who is financially reliable as enough. Compared to current situation, it was easier to quantify, it was easier to achieve, too. Now, we demand for happiness, soaring love and joy that we hope we can find from our partner. Little did we understand that happiness, when relied on to other person, is never simple. It cannot be measured, pretty much abstract. That is why, we are all asking so much of love, to be complete, contented, and happy because of our significant other.

I'm not suggesting you to drop down the expectations. That is us, we were raised and grown with that. Believing we can achieve high, yet we also sacrifice the contentment for the sake of it. Based on that fact, I try to shift my perspectives of love through releasing my expectations of joy from it. Not that I don't want to be happy, I just don't want it to come only from my significant other. I don't wanna get into false trouble from asking so much from the wrong thing. Anyway, maybe happiness can be much simpler and easier to feel when we ask it from ourselves..and a cup of hot chamomile tea after a long day at work.





FPL

Running in Void

Having daily fitness routine helps me a lot going thru uneasy feelings. You know being 23 is hard when you are hard on yourself, the biggest challenge always comes from our own doubts and critical thinking.


Whenever I'm sad, I know running and yoga always can be my savior. Melancholy cannot befriend healthy, powerful body though sometimes the sense of burden and difficulty to face the day are still there, haunting me. That's the left brain doing its job, though. And I'm not blaming it for being so active. It has been doing its wonderful job since I knew I had it. It helps me through, to settle a wonderful job-full of new things, not boring, and a bunch of great coworkers-, to create something. Yet, sometimes it haunts me with overworking for nothing productive, let's call it overthinking, over-analysis, and worrying, which are all exhaustive.

I spend my morning at the gym running for 5 kilos while listening to John Mayer's Continuum. It's been 10 years since the album was launched, I still like John Mayer to bits, and the songs? The songs soothe my uneasiness. I'm far from feeling alright but I still can run and I'm deeply grateful for it. Some mornings are more difficult to deal with compared to other mornings. I keep reminding myself that my left brain is only doing its job, and yes, chill, everything's fine.

Vulnerability to Flaws

Queen B says it all in her song, Pretty Hurts, that perfection is a disease of a nation. To some people who live with perfectionism, that can not be more true. Last week was pretty rough for me. Starting on last weekend, things feel like going downhill and I, myself, fail to take a look with bigger perspectives. Thank God, everything later on feels much better after some deep reflection through company of my beloved ones, family and lovers.

Without blaming my parents, I grow up with touch of perfectionism. My mother is a major perfectionist, she puts all dinnerware, basically everything, in order, that makes her of course the best mother to me, since my home always feels like home... I always find everything easily. She lives with her standards, it passes on me, the sense of guilt and attachment to make all things perfect. Makes everything go according to plan. And it is very hard not to be it. Growing up with perfect scores, live was so simple back then when all I have to be is just a prodigal kid. Acing school, acing college and all of organisations. Life, now, is different. There is more room in which out of my control, many variables that I cannot assure how it will turn out no matter how petty I plan. Dealing with people who are uneasy and not amusing at all to deal with. At this point, I just dig in that my perfectionism is more holding me back rather than pushing me forward.

The sense of being in control gives you power, but the truth, the only thing you can control well is only yourself. I keep reminding myself to be more accepting to flaws and all vulnerability that I carry, and slowly at a time let loose of all things that are out of my control; the first and foremost is other people's behaviour. Sometimes I realise I easily let other people upset me. When they act not like what I think, when they do not deliver what they should deliver, when again..things cannot go according to my plan. It hurts me. Not literally, but I allow it to put a pain on me.

Yesterday I strolled down Aksara and found a very good book with one on point passage;

Your outlook on life is deeply entwined in your propensity for success. Miserable blowhards can achieve, however they still wind up miserable. That's not success. Success is doing what you love and being happy about it. To learn how to get a better handle on your perceptions, emotions, and behaviour, it is useful to look at how you think.

As September starts and reveals one by one all questions I've been wondering, that passage is one of the answer. In this matter, perfectionism gives success turmoil that does not enhance the impact. An important note to wisely leave it behind and try to fall in love with the dynamic of imperfection..


Have yourself a restful weekend.

FPL

Paranoia

Tiga hari yang lalu aku mengirimkan pesan kepadanya. Lewat instant messaging yang ramai digunakan anak kuliahan jaman sekarang. Aku bukan anak kuliahan, dia juga bukan. Pesan itu langsung ia baca, langsung ia balas. Beberapa hari sebelumnya kami tidak saling bercerita. Bagaimana bisa? Dia sibuk dengan dua hal. Pekerjaannya, kemudian kekasihnya.

***

Tidak seperti kisah-kisah kebanyakan, aku tidak mengenalnya dari media sosial yang harus di-swipe ke kanan atau ke kiri. Aku mengenalnya tidak sengaja. Seperti meminum air yang sudah diminum orang lain di undangan pernikahan karena diletakkan berdekatan dengan yang belum diminum. Sudah satu tahun aku mengenalnya. Dia tidak minum kopi dan tidak merokok. Aku sering mempertanyakan dalam hati bagaimana mungkin dia bertahan menghadapi peliknya dunia tiada maaf ini tanpa secangkir kopi mahal dan sekotak rokok menthol?

Seperti ketakutanku pada beberapa hal yang nonsense dan mengganggu, dia juga sesuatu yang ingin aku lewatkan. Beda dengan ketika aku masih sekolah SD atau SMP. Aku selalu takut banyak hal, tapi dengan mudah aku dapat melupakannya dan kembali menikmati hari-hariku. Semakin bertambahnya usiaku, semakin sulit bagiku untuk melupakan hal-hal yang ingin aku lupakan. Bukan karena ingatan yang bertambah intense, hanya saja childlike mindset untuk mengeksplor hal-hal baru jadi kurang terasah.

Setahun sudah aku berhasil untuk tidak terlalu memikirkannya. Pencapaian luar biasa itu rusak karena minggu lalu kami tidak sengaja bertemu di suatu tempat yang tidak begitu jauh dari kantorku. Tidak banyak hal yang spesial, tapi untuk pertama kalinya dalam setahun belakangan aku kembali merasakan rasa penasaran yang euphoric. Rasa yang menghantuiku kembali, tapi tidak ku lawan karena aku tahu itu akan hilang dengan sendirinya ketika waktu terus bergulir.

***

Lucu rasanya duduk di rumah sendirian sambil mendengarkan rintik hujan di sore hari. Mengapa ketika orang menghilang dia tidak bawa sekalian perasaan yang disebabkannya? Aku duduk bersama paranoia-ku, sedikit rinduku, juga gumpalan keinginanku untuk bertanya. Tiga hari yang lalu ia mengajakku bertemu hari ini. Tidak ada cerita lebih lanjut mengenai hal ini. Aku beranjak ke dapur, menyeduh secangkir white tea, dan memaafkan kealpaannya.

Dear The Overthinkers

There are people who tends to think about everything.

The ones you can talk to for hours about almost everything; especially about life and their point of views, the ones who yearn for wisdom and life secrets. The ones who run their thoughts during commuting or spare times. The ones who find it hard to sit with quiet mind.

Sometimes, you will find those people witty, full of interesting criticism, fun to be with. But sometimes, you might also find them..tiring. Always in quest of something that is difficult to be assessed.

Yesterday, I spent my late afternoon with my best friend who also belonged to the thinkers. She told me once that one of her friend told her, "wow.. It would be so tiring to live a life like yours." That kinda struck me. One day before, my boyfriend said the thing that was quite similar to that. "I know you love to think about everything so much, but are you happy with that?". Those statements linked me back to a famous saying, your quality of life is only as good as your quality of thoughts. There is always the dark side of everything, including within these thinkers; when it is done too much,  it costs them perpetual bad mood or sorrow, sometimes it costs them low self-esteem, sometimes it costs them lack of being present.. they are consumed with their own thoughts, which sometimes are not always true.

I could not deny, I honestly have been through times how overthinking got me bad days. It stole my sanity and my joy. Reflecting on them statements, I vow to direct myself thinking about more useful things. Something comforting and empowering. To be more present and "not always looking forward to". To know when to stop when the rambling and ranting start to steal my present. To be calm and enjoy whatever life brings, without questioning so much.

Thinking is good, it shows that you pay attention and you care, but thinking without actually doing the right action will not bring anything, will not benefit you or your surrounding. Those thought will just whirl within and make you tired. I deeply believe that something good when it is done too much can cause damage. I don't suggest the thinkers to stop asking questions, I don't discourage myself to think, I suggest the overthinkers, like me, to live more fulfilling life through thinking good thoughts and doing real action. I believe God gives us the trait for some useful reasons, so let us use it wisely. Wisely means.. knowing what to keep and what to let go, in this case, letting go all of those obsessive harmful thoughts and be more happy inside out through doing real thing. To live happily and fruitful.

FPL

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Sembari menunggu berbuka puasa, saya mengambil laptop dan mulai mengetik di meja makan. Sebentar lagi malam takbiran, besok saatnya merayakan hari kemenangan bersama keluarga dan teman-teman tercinta.

Pertanyaannya, sudahkah kita memaafkan yang harus kita maafkan?


Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya berbincang dengan Ayah saya mengenai alasan-alasan mengapa orang sering kali menyakiti hati kita terlepas atas apa yang kita perbuat terhadap mereka.  Ketika menanyakan hal itu, mungkin juga saya lupa bahwa sebagai manusia, saya tidak mungkin lepas dari menyakiti hati orang lain. "Mereka sama sekali ga bermaksud menyakiti kamu, Nak.. Kadang, mereka cuma bingung". Mereka disini ga specially referring ke pihak mana-mana.

Beberapa hari yang lalu juga, pas banget momennya, memang saya sempet sedih banget karena ada teman yang saya luar biasa sayang tiba-tiba melakukan sesuatu yang ga saya sangka. Ga macem-macem banget sih, tapi bener-bener kena di hati saya sampai timbul pikiran, "kok bisa sih dia kayak gitu?". Mungkin juga sih itu cobaan puasa. Saya cuma tarik nafas dalam-dalam dan coba memahami keadaan dia, mungkin dia juga ga bermaksud menyakiti saya. Butuh waktu buat saya agar tidak reaktif dan menyalahi dia atas apa yang dia lakukan. Saya coba berkaca sejenak, saya pernah menyakiti hati orang yang seharusnya tidak saya sakiti tapi dia mau memaafkan saya dengan segala kekurangan saya. Hubungan kami memang tidak pernah kembali seperti sebelum saya menyakiti dia, tapi saya tahu dia berhasil move on dengan baik tanpa perlu melakukan sesuatu yang menyakiti balik hati saya, and I respect him for that.

Mungkin itu yang namanya memaafkan.

Dan memaafkan ini tidak bisa lepas dari yang namanya tenggang rasa, juga keikhlasan. Memaafkan bisa jadi hadiah yang paling baik yang bisa kita berikan kepada orang lain, tapi intinya, memaafkan adalah hadiah paling baik yang dapat kita berikan untuk diri kita sendiri because it saves us from a lot of anger and hatred we should never carry in our hearts.

Forgive because you should free yourself from those bad things, forgive because you can.
Insya Allah, sampai jumpa di tahun depan yang lebih baik, bulan maha indah, bulan maha suci, Ramadan. Selamat merayakan kemenangan beriringan maaf.

FPL

Sentimental

I met you when I had not listened to EDM. When all I listened to was brit rock, when all things I wore was pitch black, when all I drank to keep my sanity was coffee. You were the one who taught me how to smoke. Past is a very comfortable place though just like a comfort zone, nothing ever grows there.

So, when things around here get tiring, I'd love to see you smiling and.. maybe we can talk?

Dealing with Unhappiness & Some Love for Marcus Aurelius

I've been seeking for answers, why I did not feel happy and contented with everything. Why every single time I distracted that hollow feeling I would always end up more and more hollow? I lost my passion in life. I spent more and more time sleeping without feeling more energised afterwards. I skipped my hobbies, to do sports and to write. I kept myself in cycle that is safe and boring. Lacking of motivation, you name it. All I knew, I was not happy with my life, I did not feel so alive like I had ever been. They named it quarter life crisis. That sense of being stuck in jobs you don't like, friendship you don't want to have, to conclude, the life that you hate. That sense of not living your dreams because of some responsibilities around you. That thought that we're all mortals, that some day you will die boring without really living your life to the fullest simply because life is supposed to be like that.
Within my mind, it was all messed up and so dark. I was so worried about today and too afraid for tomorrow, that I would be just as unhappy as I was that day.. or I would never be happy again. The thing I dissed the most was, I always associated myself with my hopeful, possible, go-getter self. Where did she go? Why did she leave me with these dark clouds?

I was being so weary and dull for months and the only person I opened up to was my boyfriend and my dad. I always kept asking them the same question, why couldn't I be happy?
Then I surrendered. I realised I could not be like that forever and I was just so sick to feeling sick all the time.

I bumped into an article reciting Marcus Aurelius,

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."

I try to sort things out.
I start with stopping doing things does not incline with my soul calling and I do things that feels right for me, I try to be more honest with myself; praying, spending time with people whom I love the most and who also can comfort me, challenging the negative thoughts with the good ones, not engaging in gossips and backbites, picking my circles right, and the most important thing is letting go. Letting go of things that burden and hurt me, letting go of fear, letting go of loved ones and friends who are no longer aligned with me. It takes courage but it has to be done. Just like finally getting back to my beloved Mac to write again.

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."

And one more favorite excerpt from Marcus Aurelius;

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."

Well, there are still days when I just want to curl up in my bed without really engaging with anyone,  feeling so tired of commuting and so on, but things are getting better, I feel a lot better.
Yes, it is arising from having a hopeful thought,
so please, never lose yours.


FPL

Calm The F* Down, Oh Hi 23

Incredibly late post it is, but still I am thankful beyond words for all blessings and wishes given. They meant a lot and I can't thank you enough how every wish brought me great joy and contentment.

First and foremost, thank God, The Almighty, for a wonderful birthday.
For a brand new age which comes along with loving moments from all family, best friends, and all loved ones -- sincerely I pray, along with it comes more and more and more years to earn better wisdom, to learn from great experiences and unlearn heartbreaks, to have calmer mind and calmer heart, to travel and see and feel better, to always be grateful for all prosperity and shared joy, to enjoy abundance in health, and to live better with love.

For more years to come & to live happily,
For His countless blessings, at any times, that verily succeeding in bringing me thicker faith.

Well, it's kinda difficult to be grow older, yet I'm deeply grateful for having my wisdom teeth removed.  That's another cue to be more mature, isn't it? Just like wine, let's get better with age.
Anyway, #TGIF.


Love,
FPL

Let's Get It On, 2016

copied from Diana Rikasari's

Supposedly writing this post on New Year's Eve but the night was too festive and joyful that I came home feeling so sleepy then went straight to bed. Thank you 2015 for being one great journey full of adventures and for the first time, I really treasured traveling. For someone who works 9 to 5 and mostly spends the days in the city, traveling always feels relieving..and revealing. Revealing the other side of me who actually got that so called wander-lust.
Anyway, 2015 was one beautiful journey to learn. Travelled a lot, learned a lot, literally connecting with some of good people who offer another point of view of life. Losing my lovely aunt at the end of 2015 really got me thinking about the real purpose of life, and it was so difficult not to mourn since she was one of my favourite.
2015 also gave me sweet treats. I managed to keep the conversation with my ex's mom thru social media, which happens to brighten up my day. She is very lovely and warm, I really regret not talking much to her back then when I still went out with her son.

So, what's that in 2016?

• Having thicker faith for every single good thing and stop questioning unnecessary questions
• Taming my mood, be consistent
• Staying healthy, sleeping properly, living life to the fullest with knowing wisely what to eat and what not to eat :) (I've stopped having instant noodles since November 2015)
• Loving people more, judging less (yass, just like the pic above)
• Saving saving saving
• Preparing for my master degree scholarship (say hi to New York!!!)
• Choosing positive vibe, less drama, more kindness & good thoughts
• Working smarter, both in the office & in several projects I got..writing fiction? blog?

Happily stating that I got so much inspiration lately yet having less urge to write because of my tight schedule but anyway... let's start 2016, though it's February already, with a good heart and a thick faith.

Love,

FPL