Prayer

In this end of year, I need time to think, and all I do is thinking, beside of sleeping.

Most of the time because I feel too much I rarely can handle it. I'm grateful to bits for what God has given to me. For a year full of abundance and answers. The point is I don't want to rush anything. Rush to start, rush to stop. Let's all the rushing end with 2014. I'm gonna take deeper breaths whenever things get rough, I'm gonna focus on what's next rather than seeing back. I'm gonna commit to my jobs, to my beloved ones, and yeah to my words.
I'm gonna be grateful for each of God's refusal, believing His plans are always more mightier than mine.

All wounds of this year will be healed. People will move on.
Hi, 2015. May we all be blessed with big heart, love, joy, prosperity, abundance of health and money so we can do whatever that makes us happy..plus contented.
Always, always, love. It wins.

Love,
FPL

Ku Temukan Namanya

Ku temukan namanya dalam buku favoritku. Baru saja ku beli dan baru saja kubuka bungkusnya. Aroma kertas baru masih menyeruak. Jilid buku itu kaku dan pinggir halamannya masih tajam. Aku tersenyum getir seraya menutup kembali lembarnya. Ku coba untuk mencari ketenangan dari kumpulan kisah sedih yang barang kali dapat menghiburku. Terkadang, kesedihan itu terasa sangat nyaman. Ia menggerogoti segala harapan tapi membuatku enggan untuk bergegas bahagia. Entah bagaimana, malah namanya yang pertama ku lihat. Seakan semesta tidak puas menertawakan aku dan leluconnya.

Ku buka kembali buku baruku yang tadi sempat ku tutup. Aku tersenyum lagi, kali ini lebih baik, teringat malam dimana aku memutuskan untuk tidak lagi mencintainya. Bukan sekadar karena dia tidak mencintaiku, tapi karena aku ingin melihat dia bahagia. Entah dengan siapa atau dengan wanita yang tidak akan menyakitinya dengan balasan dingin atau jawaban singkat, dengan tidur yang terlalu cepat, atau emosi yang luar biasa mendesak. Aku kemudian teringat lagi akan hari dimana aku memutuskan bahwa mungkin saja, atau pasti, ada wanita lain di luar sana yang lebih bahagia mendengar telepon berdering darinya. Wanita yang akan terjaga dan tersenyum ketika dia pulang larut. Wanita yang akan menemaninya meminum kopi-kopi bohongan itu sambil menunggu hujan reda. Menunggu kabarnya yang sibuk sekali demi sepatah dua patah kata halo. Memeriksa apakah dirinya sudah makan. Dan semua-semua yang sering kali aku lewatkan. Semua-semua yang tidak lagi sanggup untuk aku lakukan.

Ku teruskan ke halaman berikutnya. Aku tersenyum lagi. Kali ini lebih lama dan lebih bijaksana.

Ah, mungkin lain kali, melihat namanya akan menjadi biasa saja.

Desember 2014

This is what I lately try to resolve.
Good manners. Sometimes I wonder how someone can be extremely elegant and poise without being too much. The answers is a compact mix between attitude and good manners. Knowing what to say, when to say, and when to stop. Acknowledging your surrounding, having great composure, and simply being awesome.
The hardest part is not to judge. I mean, when others do not live the way your life to roll, that does not mean they are lower than you or anything, yet having a firm principal towards things you want to achieve is a must.
Well,  I'm trying.

We are imperfect human beings, covered with worries and restlessness.
Running from things we want, hiding from our dreams.
We seek comfort, we make comfort as our refuge. We got stifled by future, choked by past.
We never realize we chase after tomorrow.
We never feel we have enough.

There is something we all look for, balance.
One thing we might forget, we regain. Everything that goes up, someday must go down.

On a Rainy Day

On my working days, I always imagine that an ideal day for all of us is a day on bed, sleeping for quite hours, waking up into the rain, and then carrying on sleeping.
Today is the day like that, unless I am now struggling with mini headache and dizziness because of waking up way too late.
It seems funny just because things you firstly imagine and long for because of seeming good turn out not really well, but hey, can we just be grateful for a moment and stop complaining?
I read my latest post titled Eavesdropping and I kinda sensed my natural wit on writing fading away...which was bad. If there's only one thing I can do to make me feel better other than deep talk with best friends is writing and then reading fine books and then..going for a walk alone. I'm planning to give blogging another shot rather than just keep thinking without exactly creating something.
Bless me, it's the happiest time of the year so just... yeah, be happy.

Eavesdropping

A lot of things to tell in a post, I guess, but let me start describing life by giving you an analogy.

Imagine somebody is currently holding a cup of hot latte without a sleeve. First, that somebody is gonna feel a striking hot fuss but later on, after couple of minutes, the heat starts to vanish. It does not vanish. Energy remains, heat is energy, it only transforms. It moves to the hand. It spreads to the whole cup. Finally, our somebody will think the coffee has been cool off. When this somebody sips it, it still burns the tongue.

Our somebody’s hand is the one that gets used to.

Talking about life and people is very appealing to me.

It includes heartbreak, struggles, and tears. But it also includes courageous steps, running through hell, stop listening to some shrieks, and carrying on what?

Life.

For all question you might have, for all your thoughts that I might be something.

Back to the analogy. well, I’m just being the hand. I’m just living like the hand.

Coping.

The pain strikes, the longing and desperation surely were there but are they necessary? Are they worth any celebrating?

I just want you to friggin realize that being a victim is not something marvelous.

At least not in your own story. At least not in mine, too.

Purpose and Meaning

The purpose of life is finding your gift, the meaning of life is giving it away.

Accidentally, I read line above while scrolling Path yesterday. I was in a cab with my best friend and we were about to return to the office. It was sunny and humid, just like the other noon in Jakarta. This friend of mine, spent days of hers volunteering, teaching, and sharing, so I guess she was a perfect partner to talk about this. And she definitely felt it, completely agreed.

Finding the gift, then giving it away.

Blame my sensitivity upon things. Lately, there is uneasiness between my thoughts and my feelings. I felt like I did not do what I supposed to do. I lost my time with my beloved ones. I caught up not getting things done. I was feeling trapped by routine.
Then I decided to seek.
Unfortunately, the more I look for everything, the more I get myself lost.

Long story short, that line grasped me. Maybe all we have to do is stop looking. Maybe what we have to do is sharing what we have found. What He blessed towards us all along. What we might forget, what we might abandon just because we are too busy seeking for things we don't know.

No longer looking for anything.
It's time to give it away. I hope you too.

Green Tea Latte Extra Shot

I had ordered it several times until today.

Since that day we walked through the traffic for reaching nearest coffee shop.
Since that day you told me a lot of details about daily life and your personal thoughts. I never thought to stop, even a bit, adoring how you build a story. I wondered how lucky people who were in your league having you spilled beautiful words, in vivid details, in a right time frame, and in an interesting way. For me, your presence was the same as green tea latte extra shot. You two helped me going through difficult days and yes, that felt grant.

At that time, the sun was shining too bright. It soaked us through the window as we sat together, face to face in high chairs. I fail to connect the huge plot of the chats, I just can recall tiny details that I secretly pray not going to fade away as our time rolls. Perhaps that morning was one of best mornings we both ever had. Perhaps morning like that will never happen again tomorrow or years from now on, maybe happiness like that was something plainly borrowed from the coffee shop itself. Perhaps it was just a huge lie, but if it really was, damn, wasn't it the most beautiful lie we ever harbored?


This morning, I'm finding myself contented, sitting alone in a cold rustic chair, holding newspaper, staring blankly at the road through the window.
Now, it is without you. The barista calls my name, mentioning my drink.
It is still green tea latte extra shot.
Do not worry, I never change my mind too fast.

Sampai

Kegelisahanmu bukan kamu sendiri yang rasakan.
Pahit dan getirmu, ataupun tanda tanyamu.
Hati itu bergetar.
Mungkin getarannya sampai kepadaku. Sehingga sakit dan perihmu, juga menghentak dan menyesakkan dadaku.
Setidaknya kamu tidak sendiri.
Mungkin juga getaran itu sampai kepada hati yang lain.
Mungkin juga sakit dan pilu yang kutanggung bukan milikmu yang menyambung.
Bisa jadi kosong dan luka yang ada di dirimu malah dariku.
Bisa jadi aku penyebab gelapmu.


Atau kamu penyebab aku berbisik.

A Beautiful Response to Date A Girl Who Reads

Date a girl who writes.

Date a girl who understands both the simplicity and the depth of the written word
Date a girl who lists one of her heroes as a philosopher or poet.
Date a girl who writes because she is a born storyteller.

You’ll learn that the only way she knows what she’s thinking or feeling is through writing. She’ll be articulate and poetic, without the slightest ego.

The girl who writes will have a collection of lists at any given time, not only to-do lists, but life lists; a bucket list, a list of her favorite things, a list of quotes that inspire her.

As a writer she will be a natural listener. So tell her stories.
You will begin to recognize what’s important to her or what she wonders about through her writing. She finds writing the only way to explore some of life’s greatest mysteries. So talk to her about your thoughts and ideas. She will revel in them.

With this, she will love to read. She is inspired, enlightened and learned by literature.
Read her book suggestions and talk about them with her. She feels satisfied and connected when someone enjoys the same literature as her. Read together.

Date the girl whose voice is so moving that you can hear it in her written words. Spend quality time with her to the point where you almost, but not fully, understand her love for words. She will explain it to you: “I love the twist and tangle of words as they enflame human emotions.” Respect her passion. She will write for a living because she will not know how to make a living sans writing. She believes in passion and when she discovers it within you, she will forever believe in you.

The girl who writes will possess a perspective all her own. As a writer she continually explores her own mind, heart and soul—because of this she is self-aware and introspective. She will have spent time and need more time spent in other worlds—metaphorically and physically. Take her on adventures. Her writing will speak to universal truths…show her the world.

Date a girl who writes because the infinite abilities of her vast mind will astonish you day after day.
The way she thinks about the world—as if a short trip to the grocery store has the potential to hold as much meaning as a backpacking trip across Asia—is unparalleled. Learn from her. Realize that the simplest tasks—and words—can, and often do, hold the deepest meaning.

By dating a girl who writes you will discover that there are no goodbyes. She will write about you and she will write to you. Her handwritten letters will captivate you and scare you all in one breath. Be happy that she knows how to tell you what she’s feeling and thinking with precision and grace—that is a luxury in most relationships.

Don’t get frustrated with her when she desires to write about everything that happens between you two—it relaxes her. You may feel like you’re losing her to her writing but you must understand that she writes what she knows, encased in imagination. So be thankful when you identify with a character she has created. You are the chief inspiration in her life—and she will always be drawn back to you. She is independent in her mind yet recognizes the necessity and beauty of experience and relationships.

Date a girl who writes because she understands and appreciates her own worth so fully that she can confidently write about why you should date her.

Marry the girl who writes because she understands that one doesn’t succeed at writing—it is a continual, ever-evolving, growing craft of experience and practice…just like your marriage. And when you’re ready to have children, they will benefit from her gift of writing. They will be well educated (if not for good genes) on the proper usage of grammar and literary devices.

Marry a girl who writes and she’ll teach your children the value of words—the most powerful weapon used by mankind. She will instill in them the same passion that she was born with and that you have come to know as second nature…because with the combined passions of your family, you have the power to change the world.

Before she speaks, her mind inscribes her thoughts into words—lying in the empty space between her eyes and the atmosphere. So know that if you argue—which you will—she’ll be able to keep things sensible, calm and mature. She will read her own works so many times that she will look to you for reassurance of sanity. Reassure her.

The girl who writes knows that the power of the written word can transcend time and space. This is why she will keep a journal of your lives together. And when you are old and gray she will present it to your grandchildren as a way to inspire, encourage and challenge them to live a life so spectacular that it, too, must be documented.

Find a girl who writes because you deserve someone who will motivate you and humble you each and every day. You deserve to learn from the teachings of your own great writer that eloquent words are essential to human life. If her mind bursts into flames with an idea at 3 a.m. on a Saturday morning, let her write…because chances are, you lit the spark.

And for her, the only thing that will be better than writing about the love you share is living the love you share. 

taken from thoughtcatalog.com

Be All Ears

As regards everyone's be-the-best-version-of-yourself.

We all have heard that life is about being potentially you. Shall you embrace what you've got, being mature includes smiling to people you don't like. You have to follow the rules of game, or even better make the rules of game. You have to... Be fuckin yourself.
Yet one thing we manage to forget, sometimes when we determine to create our best selves, we are prone to clash with other people. Neither it is their ideas or literally their lives. Sometimes, we are insensible to annoy their territories.
Another interesting fact starts here;
when everyone starts to mark upon you, your ill-mannered be-yourself or hey-this-is-me doings, you are already doomed. I agree that be fuckin yourself can also be detrimental when being brought in a very selfish way. It starts with ignorance then it leads to an act of egotistical.
Everything is about me, this world is also about me.
You start to feel better than anyone else in the room.

Temporary, it might be just fine. People will find a way to cope with your stories and stuffs, yet that only happens when you are lovable enough. When you are not, when later you, again, are insensible to sicken others, you draw them further. Making others feel annoyed gets you to losing. Losing people who trust you, losing respect you hardly can earn back.

Your life, no matter how great you are, surely depends on your own choices and hands but shall you never forget : others have the potential, whether to love or to help you, or plain the otherwise. So, pay attention. Grow bigger and better but do not be so loud about yourself that you can't hear the voice of your surrounding. Be tender, stay gentle and true to your feeling. Show your potentially you in a harmless way. Don't go spoiled and naive to think that everyone will stretch their hearts in order to deal with your unpleasant endeavor.
You have to listen to what they say. Paradoxically, when they are not literally saying.
Or if you are confident enough that you're right, you're just being yourself, completely yourself,
and you don't have any guts to listen,
at least, open your eyes then see.

Last Night

So last night I hear your doubts. I hear your thoughts rambling over mine. I learn to listen to your sigh. I try to understand your worry. I can take care all of your sorrow. I can fill your hollow. I will let you cry. I'm deaf of hearing your scream. I will beat your beast. I can be that beast.
Speak to me in your soft tunes.
Hug me, let me to look after your wounds.

S&M

I’m sitting right now. In a room.
30ft above the ground.
Next to a big clear window with a crystal clear blue sky hanging. My thoughts are not here.
Not in a class.
Not in the motivating video the teacher plays and rewinds.
Not in the group discussion.
Not in those questions.

The thoughts are floating, roaming.

Like the feelings that are up up away. Free, mi cielo.
Like my rebellions you hate, like my intangible touch you avoid.
Play it safe, play it double safe.
Or keep it brave.
Keep it brave and close til it scratches the upper layer of my skin.
Til it bleeds. Til the blood soaked your hands. It’s on your hands. My blood.

This morning I washed my hair to cold up things inside the mind. It did not work.
The burning sense of breaking free.
The bleeding wounds that are no longer hurt.

Enjoy the ride. Enjoy hurting me and yourself. Live up the wounds, will you?

written on July 2012

Questions 101

Some truths are pointlessly spread. Some love will go to waste. Some dreams might shatter and then be forgotten. Aren't we afraid of tomorrow? Or are we enjoying today simply because we know nothing will last long? How about promises? Are they all made to be broken? Will you go far from things you don't really want?

Then, are you happy? Or just plain comfortable?

Starts Here

I don't know how to set my expectations. All I know, sometimes I got lost, sometimes I made wrong judgments, sometimes I caught up in wrong situation. Sometimes I felt like no one really understood. But aren't we the same? Aren't we frustrated over things we do? Over our own recklessness and pain.
All we thought was we needed those who could cope with that and comfort all the rush.
All we thought was we could be fine if there was a, b, c, etc.
Then I realized, happiness never started anywhere else but at the point you surrendered to all your deepest inner voice. When you dealt with reality, and you smiled because yeah nothing would harm you.

Disclosure

I kiss slowly the cast of your shadow.

I wanna catch your breath. I wanna feel your veins. I wanna let this disclosure got us tangled.
Make me sure that we're alive.
Make me sure that these are lies.
Let me feel that we are the ones who roll the dice.
Stay for a second or two.
if infinity, for us, seems like a concept that is impossible and forever is not meant to.

Brave

You think life is good when you can afford everything.
When dreams are within your reach.
When you can travel around the world.
When you hang out with somebody you adore too much.
When you finally have a job.

You think life is a good when you can show people that you're finally doing good.
When you have anything that others only can dream of.
When for a while you realize your life is perfect.

But how about little tickle we get when we laugh so hard?
How about long time conversation that nourishes your soul?
You can have it all, but happiness does not require you to have it all.
You just have to own some courage to be cut open.
Happiness is risky.
Yet it is not that otherworld. It's common.
You just need to allow yourself to see, and be fuckin brave.